In the last month or so:
I’ve gotten a new perk at work that has pissed off a lot of my co-workers and therefore both pleased me and stressed me out.
I’ve fallen down a flight of stairs, scraped a significant amount of skin off of my shins, and chipped my shin bone.
For some reason my hypothyroidism is acting up and I need an increase in my meds, but can’t get a dr. appt till next month. Argh. (Kills the sex drive, too!)  Also makes me spacey (often referred to as “brain fog”) and completely wiped out.

Oh hell, there’s even more, but those are the highlights. The thyroid thing is just making everything else, good or bad, magnified. Luckily, I know (or think I know) that it’s probably fixable.

One month.

I can’t wait to be back to my old self again!

I like sex. I like casual sex. Why do guys feel like they have to pretend that it’s more than that and then make me feel like shit?

Is there something *wrong* with wanting just sex?

Apparently there is if one is a chick.

This time: he was from out of town. likely never gonna see him again. obviously a one time thing.

Nice “date” — meeting to find out if we were at least attracted to one another in real life.

Sex. GOOD sex. For me anyway. Can’t swear it was for him. I had multiple orgasms, though, so good for me by far.

Afterwards? He’s an ass. I don’t think it’s really necessary to go into details because this has happened other times, too, in different forms.

Why? Seriously. I just don’t understand. Why do guys feel the NEED to be an ass? I make it quite clear that I’m NOT one of the kinds of girls that is going to glom onto them just cuz we had sex (and I don’t mean to stereotype other women in saying that, but that IS a preconceived notion out there.)

I know I’m not even expressing this the way I mean to cuz I’m pissed off right now as I’m writing it. I write better when I’m more level headed.

Fuck it though.

You know?

That’s something I have in my profile. Most of the guys I’ve actually met up with IRL seem to have understood what I meant by that — so that’s good.

What’s not good, is that I’m not sure what to do when it becomes clear that there’s no longer any potential. When it just becomes clear that an LTR just ain’t gonna happen. What then?

It’s not so much of a problem when it’s pretty clear after just one meeting. It’s more difficult to break things off when it goes beyond that.

There’s one guy I’ve met via Adult FriendFinder that really IS a FWB. I know we’re never going to have a romantic relationship or even anything long term. Some day he’s going to find a “real” girlfriend and, since he doesn’t believe in open relationship or being poly, our benefits part will go away. And I’m really ok with that. With him. He’s the exception.

Because I *am* looking for an LTR. But only if it’s right. I’m much happier being “single” than being in a relationship JUST to be in a relationship. (Look up “quirkyalone” for a much better description of that than I can explain.)

So, anyway, when it becomes clear to me that I just can’t see myself in a deeper relationship with someone I’ve met, I don’t see the point in continuing things. lol. I haven’t come across sex that’s *THAT* good yet, anyway. And while it’s NOT true in the real world that any woman can get laid any time she wants (a topic for another post sometime), it IS true here on Adult FriendFinder. So, it’s not like I’d keep seeing someone just because it might be my only chance for sex.

In one case when this happened — no, two cases — neither of us contacted the other again. This was after multiple meetings. It wasn’t even like we had a fight or disagreement. It just stopped.

Right now I have more than one… argh, what do I even call it?… friendships with benefits withOUT potential that I need to cut off. Even though they probably feel the same way, at least that’s been my experience so far, it makes for an uncomfortable feeling.

I feel like I might hurt their feelings. I’m afraid they’ll think that’s awfully egotistical of me to think that it would matter to them.

I’m sure it seems absurd to some here that I’m hoping for a so-called REAL relationship (though not traditional by any means).

I am, though. I can’t spend my friday and saturday nights with people who I *know* I won’t want to be hanging out with a year from now.

Just venting. Thanks for listening. As Always.

Look. If you in ANY WAY KIND OF SORT OF relate to the guests on Jerry Springer, please do not contact me (unless I’m working on some sort of thesis for a PhD).

btw, my period of depression is on the upswing… not completely over, but by now I’m aware of the process…. right now I’m feeling hermit-ish, but not at the bottom of the pit. In case you were wondering.

I really like Jerry Springer. The man. Himself. I adore how reasonable he is with the guests on his show and, IMHO, seems not to judge them, for the most part.

But, I do NOT understand the guests. I don’t think I’m judging them when I say that I can’t relate to them, am I? Ok, I admit that I have flashes of thoughts that tell me I’m “better” than they are, but my conscious brain yells at me whenever that happens. I really really really think that there’s just something different in the way “those people” (sorry that that could be an offensive phrase; just not sure what else to say) and I, or people I think of as like me, think and view the world.

Have I mentioned before how much I’m obsessed with the Myers-Briggs personality Type test? MBTI? Well, I am. And I’m sure that has something to do what what I’m talking about here.

I just don’t get it. Them.

OTOH, in a weird way, it makes me not feel so bad about being such a weirdo myself. lol. I *know* others, a lot of others, think I’m a bit odd. That they don’t “get” me. The thing is that I still watch Jerry. I want to TRY to “get” them. I hope that maybe some of “them” want to “get” me, too. And that’s a teensy tiny bit of why I write what I do online. It’s a bigger part that I want people who are already like me to see that there’s others out there like them. (Geesh, that’s a run-on sentence… hopefully makes sense anyway.) But that other part is good, too.

Now I’m on a roll… turning into a longer post than I’d intended.

There are some issues that I don’t really want to try to understand the other side to. To take an extreme example… evangelicals. I can logically admit that they *might* be right. But, I already know that I’m not interested in trying to be convinced. It’s almost like a physical reaction. I think the analogy of allergies is overused, but appropriate here. I have no problem with evangelicals believing what they do, but leave me out of it. (Yeah, yeah, that kind of goes against the actual definition of evangelicalism. So sue me.)

I also feel the same way, for the most part, but not as strongly, about Republicans. I am a Democrat. I could probably be swayed by an Independent party. I. Hate. George. W. Bush. Period.

I watched one episode of the tv show Brothers and Sisters. (I’m not a real big tv watcher.) It was an episode where Calista Flockhart’s character thought she was pregnant. She spent part of the day *trying* to tell her b/f, Rob Lowe’s character, that she was pregnant, but didn’t get the chance cuz he was so busy running for office. When he finally came home for the day, he was all pissed off because the people working for him had figured out that was what she was trying to tell him and why didn’t she tell him first. He was being a complete ass. So, I said, you know what I learned from this episode? Never fuck a Republican!!! (It’s funnier, I think, if you’d seen the episode, but I didn’t want to type out all the idiosyncrasies of the characters and the episode here.)

I just can’t have a relationship with someone who isn’t as excited about Obama as I am. Once upon a time I liked Clinton. That changed. Even when I liked them both, I liked Obama *better*, though. And don’t get me started on McCain. However. I hope no one who reads this blog is taking offense at this. If you support McCain, or even hate Obama, I’m all for you doing what you think is best. Actively campaigning or just voting. Even having an intense discussion with me! I *like* talking to people that have different views than I do (as long as it doesn’t devolve into name calling and such.) But to have a relationship? And to me, even an ongoing fuck and run is still a relationship. Can’t do it. Can’t say that it makes logical sense. But, it’s just the way it is. **sigh** There are more than a few guys I’ve met in my lifetime that had this going against them. For some of them, this was, really, the *only* thing going against them. And I can’t get over it. It’s like instant anti-viagra. (except for me being a chick and all.)

Wow. Who knew Jerry could inspire this much blabbling?

I do respect and admire that guy. And I’m not ashamed to admit it.

Mostly.

I know there are probably people who think, oh, so she gets depressed, must have low self-esteem, that must be why she “acts out” sexually. No. The opposite, is closer to the truth. It’s when I’m happy and feeling good about myself that I’m most active on AFF. I’m really writing and explaining this on this blog just to kind of announce that I’m gonna be pretty INactive on here for a while… til it passes.

But, OMG, my boobs!!!

That is definitely where most of my gained weight goes first. Wow. Definitely. I told my sister that I’d gained weight and she said she couldn’t really tell, but the next day we went out together and she seemed distracted. Then she said “I just can’t get over how much bigger your chest is! Sorry, I didn’t mean to stare.” (Btw, she’s the one in the family that’s really stacked and we tease her about it all the time.)

Bigger belly and bigger boobs. You’d think I was pregnant. (Uhm, no, I’m NOT.)

I probably should change my profile’s body type from Slim/Petite to something like Average. Is Curvy an option? Only, I’m loathe to do that since that *seems* to equate (often, not always!) to chubby. Hey, I’m still in the healthy weight BMI range. I just can’t wear button up shirts anymore. lol.

I was holding back from cumming. Staying right on the edge of it.

If I reacted TOO much then he might stop. It’s not that I had any reason, really, to think that, but I did.

I think that, in my experience, when I start really reacting to something, the guy assumes I’m ready for something else. Usually fucking. And stops doing whatever was driving me wild.

I can’t describe exactly what he was doing because when I’m that much in pleasurality (yes, I did just make up that word) I can’t focus on such details. My nipples were in his mouth. I think his fingers may have been playing with my clit. Yes, I know they were because at one point I did make a comment that it was like there was an electrical connection between my nipple and my clit. His response to that was “No.” I have no idea what that meant, but it wasn’t about to ask at the time.

I swear, I’m getting turned on again thinking about how good it felt.

I was just SO afraid it would STOP.

I really do have a very difficult time *accepting* pleasure. I adore giving it. I can, as I’ve mentioned before in this blog, CUM while sucking cock.

I once dated a guy who would get super turned on and almost cum by eating me out. That was the only way I could relax and enjoy it.

I need to find someone who will get that way while playing with or sucking on my nipples. THAT would truly be Nirvana.

But, this recent experience was pretty close.

Years ago, I had a crush, not even a full crush, just a physical attraction really, to a guy I went to school with. I was pretty sure he didn’t notice me at all, so I didn’t really have any hopes. I just liked looking.

I saw the movie Traffic and noticed that one of the characters, to me, looked a lot like my crush. The character Carlos, the drug dealer who gets arrested. Looking back it’s really only a faint resemblance, though I’ve seen the movie since then and it still reminds me of him anyway. (The crush later did become my boyfriend… one of the few guys I can really say I was in love with, but that’s another story.)

So, tonight I’m watching Scarface. Yes, for the first time. And wow, there’s this really hot guy in it. No, not Pacino. The other guy. So, I looked him up on IMDB thinking maybe he’s been in other stuff I can watch and drool over him in. OMG, he played Carlo in Traffic.

This is the kind of thing that just tickles me. Probably seems like nothing to others, and I guess it is nothing. But I love weird stuff like that.

And South American guys, I guess!

Back to drooling…

But, that doesn’t mean I’m selfless. (Is that the absence of selfishness?) I like being submissive because it makes me feel good.

I like direct pleasure, too, though.

Friday night I went out with a really great guy. Really great. I mean, even if I just met him somewhere “normal” and, hell, he was totally unavailable. Married. Or gay. I would still love to talk with him.

Forget pampered sub. My nipples were pampered. My nipples were very very happy. I love just being caressed and groped. Most of the time, when a guy starts just playing with my nipples, it means “hey, lets go have sex.” And as soon as I start reacting to it, the attention much stops.

So, it was just that much more pleasurable to be pleasured and not feel like it was *only* an invitation to sex. Well, to be honest, I did still feel like that, but mostly because that’s always been my experience. Not because of anything he said or did.

I really hope to see him again.

I just have to stop meeting men who own cats.

I’m *horribly* allergic to them. They make me cry. Literally.

Stupid. Dumb. Evil evil evil. Cats.

OTOH, one of my favorite Adult FriendFinder encounters *was* with a guy who had a cat… actually, I even liked his cat. I liked the sex enough (and the cat’s personality enough) that I returned to his place even after the cat once decided to wake me up by sitting on my face.

So, maybe I should just make sure that from now on I always carry Claritin in my purse. Kind of like I always have condoms in there, too. Just in case.