Another Sex Blog

I’ve written once before about being recognized here Adult FriendFinder by someone I know IRL.

(totally unrelated aside: Again, I’m blogging while watching tv… why do I think it’s kind of hot when a guy gets all worked up and pissed off during an encounter with an ex-wife. Just on tv. Never actually had the experience otherwise. Weird.)

I don’t really mind if someone I know sees me on here and recognizes me. I mean, first of all, most people that know me wouldn’t be surprised by it at all. Second, how judgmental could they BE? They’re on AFF, too!

I’ve been a little more worried about someone seeing me on the street, in a store, in a restaurant, etc., and realizing that I’m [username on AFF]. I’ve thought about how I’d react if someone approached me. I can be sure of how I’d really react, but I think if the person was polite, respectful, nice, I’d be kind of flattered that my profile had stuck in their mind enough for them to recognize me. So, what I’m really worried about (”really” meaning “truthfuly”, not “very”) is someone being NOT respectful. Being rude. Basically being presumptuous. Lol. Actually, I’m pretty sure I know how I’d react to that, too, but I’ll keep that my own little secret.

What has happened recently, more than once, is my being recognized as [username on AFF] on other sites where I have a presence under another username.

So. I’ve had people contact me on these other sites saying they’ve realized I’m [username on AFF]. I’ve also had emails sent to me on my so-called throwaway email address I have that’s related to my name there. That one really amazes me. I only check that email once a month or less. It’s like a junk email address for me. It’s *not* the one I give out to people there if we ever get to the point of off-Adult FriendFinder communication. So, I can only assume that those emails (there’s been about four, I think) are sent by guys who don’t have a paid membership there and are trying to find a way to email me for free.

That’s kind of a pet peeve of mine. I am so completely not a gold-digger. I don’t care at all about how much money a guy makes. Except if it’s way way more than me… that actually makes me uncomfortable. BUT. I’m a girl — I could get emails on there without paying. I’m a *librarian*; I’m not swimming in expendable income. I have a paying membership there because I’m serious about it. Ok, sorry, end of rant.

I’m not sure how I feel about this kind of recognition. There’s no strong feeling about it, positive or negative. For the record, the people who have contacted me in one of these other ways have been of the first sort that I mentioned above — polite, nice, flattering. And that really is how the vast majority of contact I’ve had have been, btw. All the complaints that you hear from women about the guys who are assholes doesn’t mean that the *majority* of guys are like that. It’s just that there too many that are.

If you’ve read my last post, here’s an update. I’ve been expecting to hear from the guy who I have a crush on and haven’t. I’m pretty sure I’m being blown off at this point. I’ve already decided that if our not-definite plan to meet up tonight doesn’t come to fruition, I’m still going to get all gussied up like I was looking forward to. I’m going out to some swanky restaurant or bar. And I’m gonna flirt like hell.

So, if you see me out there tonight and recognize me. Be nice, ok?

WHY do people go out of their way to say things to make another person feel badly? I mean, really, if it’s gonna take all that effort to do it, why not just say nothing at all and let it go?

I have accounts all over the damn web. Apparently, if you’re *PSYCHO* and have WAY too much time on your hands, you can track down my various accounts. (Wondering how much time it took this guy to do that.)

Anyway. I have accounts/profiles on match and on my space (along with quite a few other sites.) This morning I got an email on my space which just ruined my day. He, the sender, berated me for the activities I’ve been engaging in and posting about here. Now, understand, I do NOT feel bad about myself or about what I’ve been up to. He says in his email “you’re not garbage.” Yeah, no shit I’m not, fuckhead. (Oops, did I say that out loud?) But I find it extremely depressing that someone would take all this time to track me down to a site where they could write to me for free — cheapass — and then write a LONG email telling me how disturbed I am. I KNOW that a lot of people out there would/do disapprove of my choices. Do they need to tell me about it? I’m bordering on atheism. Do I go track down religious people and tell them what a huge mistake they’re making with their life wasting them time on such nonsense? (For those of you reading who ARE religious, no that’s not how I feel about it/you. I could be wrong and you could be right and EVEN IF I’m right and you’re wrong, I don’t see what right I would have to try to make you feel badly. That would just make me MEAN.)

Why do my posts always end up so much longer than I expect them to when I start them?

So, here’s the letter I got from Joe Kickass, who according to his profile there is a 30 year old guy from Chicago, on my space.

Oh, and the line he mentions about my mentioning sex in my G-rated profile is this: “I love talking about and reading about sex. (I want to say “in an intellectual way”, but that sounds so pretentious and I can’t think of a better way to say it… oh, well, guess I said “intellectual” anyway.) Do NOT take that as an invitation to send me crude come-ons. However, also realize that if the topic of sex makes you uncomfortable, I will probably make you uncomfortable sooner or later.”

Date: Jul 6, 2006 10:48 PM
Subject: Concern
Hello,

I felt compelled enough to sign-up on this website just to write you. I actually saw your profile on Match and thought we had a lot in common (hobbies, music, interests, religion (well, lack of believing in it), etc.). You were very articulate (it’s better than the typical profiles that are written all in caps and broken English), and of course, I thought you looked very attractive. But, I got to the paragraph about the sex discussion, which I thought was unusual. That kind of stopped me in my tracks, but I still kept your profile in mind just in case I changed my mind.

Being the pessimist that I am, I actually look on other websites and do other searches on the Internet to see if the same people that I’d like to write have profiles elsewhere (also, it is free to write people on some of these other websites). Many of these websites are written poorly enough that I could just pull up all the content and photos without even logging in. I also think Match.com sucks as far the content they’re asking members to input… most people cannot even string a few sentences together let alone fill in all of the blank areas the websites leave for text. Now, I mentioned pessimist since I actually look for a little more than what people want to share on Match. I have already had a few experiences where the women I was in contact with (or dated) were completely different than who they claimed to be. I don’t even want to waste my time on someone that cannot be honest with me from the beginning.

Well, as it turned out, I saw a profile on AdultFriendinder.com that somewhat matched up to what you had posted on Match. I at first thought you posted a profile as a joke, but I was shocked at what you have been doing… so much so that it made me feel really bad for you. Even though we don’t know one another at all (although, it is possible since I’m right around Park Ridge), I could see that you do not realize what you’re getting into… you might not even understand why you want to be involved with those activities. By no means do I think are you probably going to listen to anything I say, but you are really damaging yourself and your future by getting involved with those cold, meaningless relationships. You’ve probably kept what you are involved in secret from your friends (the people on AdultFriendFinder aren’t your friends) and family. A good hint is if it is something that you’re too embarrassed or ashamed about to even talk about it with your family. You really need to speak with someone to get some help, so you can have a future with a guy (not me… I’m writing you out of concern and that is all) that will respect you, take care of you, and love you. The more you are involved physically with other guys the more distant you will be from finding a “good” guy and being able to sustain a lasting relationship with him. It is easy to be sold on relationships with nothing more than physical involvement, but after it is over you are left with nothing on the emotional level except emptiness.

There will always be plenty of guys interested in being with you for one night, but if you don’t stop you’ll end up being in your 40s/50s alone and only with the experience of being with guys that only cared about you until they were done with you for the night and long gone. You are not garbage, and you cannot continue to let your dignity and respect continue to diminish because of ill contrived fantasies. And, even though you are saying you are “safe” when you get involved in these activities, you are not (especially when you are in contact with any bodily fluids). You are putting your health and safety in jeopardy every time you get together with any of those guys. Eventually, someone has to lose at Russian Roulette.

Even though you’re more than capable of finding one, if you want, I can suggest a therapist that you could speak with about all of this. I can tell by your writings that there is much more inside of emotionally than maybe even you realize. I know you’re an adult and can do whatever you choose to do (it’s your right). All I know is that if I had a friend that looked out for me when I was getting myself involved in a destructive situation, I would be very grateful that they were there for me when I didn’t know I needed them.

Sorry that I was intrusive, but I just got really concerned. If you want to reply, rant, ask me something, etc.; that is fine with me. Otherwise, I won’t be contacting you again. I hope everything for you turns out well.

-J

Ok, this is too long, but I’m still going to post what I wrote to him in response — I couldn’t help myself!

Dammit, my day is ruined and it’s only 8:30 a.m.

Here’s what I wrote back to him:

Who the fuck do you think you are?

I don’t know why you might have even thought for a second we might be compatible since my mentioning that I like to talk about sex freaked you out. A bit repressed, maybe? You should see a therapist if talking about sex — especially JUST in a sociological/scientific — makes you that uncomfortable. That’s really unhealthy.

I’m assuming you know what I’ve “been doing” from reading my blog on Adult FriendFinder. I *do* find it a little odd that someone so uncomfortable with the topic of sex would even be ON Adult FriendFinder… another indication that you’re conflicted about your sexuality?

These aren’t “cold, meaningless relationships” because they’re not “relationships.” Well, at least not any more so than the “relationship” I have with my accountant or my opthamologist. And, actually, you’re wrong about my keeping this a secret! LOL! Most of my friends know. My mother and my sister know. Though not *details* but only because they don’t *want* to know those — and I know that because they’ve told me. Same with my coworkers. How much do YOUR friends and family know about your sexual activities and fantasies, btw? Mine know that I go to a weekly BDSM munch (google it if you don’t know what that is.)

I guess you’re not aware of the fact that there are people out there VERY different from you. I won’t be able to find a guy who can respect and love me? First, who says that’s what I want? I have some fabulous women friends in their 60s and 70s who have never been married and are extraordinarily happy with their lives. I’m not saying you *can’t* be married and have that kind of happiness, but it’s absolutely not necessary. I also have an extremely close and tight-knit group of friends AND extended family. The only way I’d be “alone” in my 40s/50s is, I suppose, if some sort of plague wiped all of those people out and I was somehow miraculously spared. Anyway, second, there ARE guys who not only wouldn’t mind my past, but would find it a PLUS. I have the feeling you won’t believe that because YOU don’t feel that way and it’s unlikely you’ve spoken directly to people who have told you that they do feel that way. If you want to get an idea of the variety of people out there and the types of relationships that are possible, check out Alt.com, too. And, yes, I know people in HAPPY polyamorous relationships, also.

Even if I was a virgin, though, I would never EVER fall in love nor commit myself to the type of man who would hold that against me or against any woman.

You’re DAMNED right I’m not garbage! Which is why I’m so offended that you’re writing to me as if I were. Would you have this horrible opinion of me if I were a guy? Uhm, NO! I realize that everyone has their own prejudices but I think it’s useful to be aware of them. You’re sexist. Another thing you might want to talk to your therapist about.

As far as being “safe” — don’t be a complete idiot. The only “safe” sex is sex with yourself. And come to think of it, with some of those cheap vibrators and other toys out there, that comes with potential hazards, too. I suppose I could be more PC and say “safer” sex.

I’d love to know what “I can tell by your writings that there is much more inside of emotionally than maybe even you realize” means, btw.

I am so completely enraged at your audacity and judgementalness (is that a word?) I don’t even know how to express it. I think I’m most upset by the fact that you just ASSUME that I even WANT to find “the one.” That all I would ever want in this world above ALL else, including physical pleasure would be “a guy that will respect you, take care of you, and love you.” TAKE CARE OF ME? What century IS this? Uhm, thanks, I can do that myself.

Oh yeah, I wanted to ask, how exactly being “physical” with other guys would keep me from being able to “sustain a lasting relationship”? What’s the connection?

I really am interested in your response to all of this. Unlike you, I’m actually interested in how people other than me think. And please include a photo. That’s only fair considering you’ve seen MORE than enough of me, don’t you think? (If I was so *ashamed* of what I’ve been doing, why would I have my photo out there???)

(and I signed my first name to the bottom).

No, the two concepts are NOT mutually exclusive.

I understand that there are people who have no desire to have sex with a lot of people and/or don’t want to be with someone who has. And I don’t judge them. I have a friend who has every intention of staying a virgin until marriage. As long as that’s what she really wants (as opposed to thinking that’s what she’s *supposed* to want), I applaud her for living her life the way that makes sense to her. (And, btw, with this friend in particular, I DO believe that it’s what she really wants.)

So, it irritates me when people judge me for wanting to not only have lots of sex, but also to have lots of sex with lots of people. That’s to be expected, though, even thought it irritates me.

I had a conversation with another friend recently, a guy, who knows some about my “adventures” on AFF. He said, “You know, this may be fun but none of these guys are going to actually respect you at all when it’s all said and done.”

??? My reaction: Uhm, if they don’t respect me afterwards then they probably didn’t beforehand either and in either case, I don’t really CARE for their “respect”. It’s not worth anything. It takes TWO– or more, if we’re lucky — to participate in these supposedly unrespectable activities. And, btw, I’m not going into a anti-man-double-standard-for-women rant. It just happens that I’m a woman who’s having sex with men. I’m pretty sure I could be typing this post if the combination were any other sort, too.

I kind of referred to this idea in my last post, I think. I only want to be with a guy who DOES respect that I love sex. And that I love having sex with a variety of people. My *ideal* would be having a steady relationship with someone who was *turned on* by that. But, just accepting it is all that’s necessary.

I have had some of the guys I’ve met act as though they’re surprised that I’ve met with and plan on continuing to meet with OTHER guys from the site. Hello? Was I the only girl you were emailing and hoping to hook up with? Did you notice my I CALL myself a slut?

Anyway, what prompted this post? A post from another blog that I chanced upon.

It’s a post about men thinking of women as sluts and calling them that and acting towards them like that and about how a guy couldn’t respect a woman like that so why does he do that? Ok, that’s not the best summary, but hopefully it sort of makes sense anyway.

I guess a huge part of the problem, and I DO think there’s a problem, is that there’s no word for a woman who “sleeps around” that isn’t derogatory. I no longer think of “slut” as deragotory, so I don’t mind using it. (Well, also cuz dirty talk and being called names in a sexual context turns me on…) Ahem, anyway.

Anyway, I’ve realized that I sometimes read way too much into emails or what’s written in blogs, so maybe I’m doing that once again, but the blog author and some of the comment writers seemed to be so… negative towards people who DO sleep around. Like I said above, I have NO problem whatsoever with people who DON’T sleep around. Or who don’t understand why someone would. But don’t make assumptions about the type of person than I am just because I want to and do.

And this wasn’t in that blog post or comments, but I’ve read implied elsewhere…

No, I was not abused as a child. I wasn’t neglected. I actually had a rather wonderful childhood. I’m not looking for sex to make up for anything else missing in my life. I just like it. I like how it feels. How it makes me feel.

So, this is why I love this blogging thing. Something prompts me to have something to say. And now I have a place to say it.

I know the author of the blog piece above was NOT trying to make anyone feel badly. And I’m not at all trying to make HER or the commenters feel badly either! I just want to offer up my point of view for consideration. Sometimes it just really feels good to pour all these thoughts out of my brain, too.