So, what the hell happened?
I’ll try to keep it short, but don’t hold your breath.
I had a profile on Alt.com. Almost identical to the one here. I was looking for a D/s relationship. I answered an email I got from a guy.
We emailed back and forth. And back and forth. And he seemed to be offering *exactly* what I had been looking for for as long as I can remember. And I have very very early memories. But, that’s another one of those topics I intend to write about someday and never seem to get around to.
So, anyway, we emailed. I know this sounds cliche, but I really did tell him things about myself that I’ve never told anyone else.
We met, very briefly, in person. By that time I already had high hopes for this relationship.
Oh, I should point out that this particular relationship was NOT going to be “romantic.” It was a *kinky* friends with benefits situation. He told me he didn’t mind if I had a vanilla boyfriend and I wouldn’t have cared if he had a significant other either. Even if they weren’t vanilla.
Anyway, we met in person, and I was SO nervous I was literally shaking. My hands were trembling. But, after meeting him I was even more certain that this was the guy who was going to provide me with what I’d been searching for.
I consider myself submissive. That does NOT mean that I’m submissive to anyone and everyone. Nor does it mean that I’m a doormat. I want respect. I deserve respect. And just because I like to be told what to do in the bedroom (figuratively), doesn’t mean I’ll tolerate it in day-to-day life or in other areas of my life. This guy seemed to completely understand that. Which seems to me to be a rare quality among the male Doms on Alt.
Then things got busy in my life and then things got busy in his and we didn’t seem to be able to find a good time to meet FOR REAL. I was being patient. I’d send him emails every once in a while and he’d promise me that when we finally met things would be even better than I hoped. And he’d say the nicest things about me. Compliments about my looks.
See, I’m very… not sure of the right word… concerned? about my physical appearance. I desperately want to be attractive. And sexy. At the same time, I constantly doubt that I am. I feel like I should try to figure out why it’s so important to me… but so far I haven’t. It just is.
So, his telling me that he found me very attractive, cute, sexy was intoxicating because there was something about the way he said it that made me believe him. Usually, my reaction to when/if people compliment me is to wonder what they want. What purpose is trying to get me to believe their compliments serving for them? Also something I’ve thought since I was very young. My mom tells me a story about how I often would cry when people would compliment me and she once asked me why I did that. My response was “I don’t know what they WANT!”
Fast forward.
I email him some photos. I don’t hear from him for days. I’m getting tired of checking my email hoping to see a response from him and that gut dropping feeling I’d get when there wasn’t one. Now, I of all people, really, should know that sometimes it just takes a while for someone to get back to someone else. But after 5 days. And also a string of emails that had been one sentence or less long.
Oh, wait, rewind. Shortly after we began emailing and he seemed to be ideal, I changed my profile on Alt to say that I was no longer looking for a match.
Ok. So. After 5 days, I went and changed my profile on Alt. I removed the part about my having potentially found someone.
THEN he emails me. And says that he heard a rumor that my profile had changed and that that was probably for the best since he was too busy to pursue this.
So much for making this short, huh?
THAT’s when I wrote the post below this. Where I was sad. I was disappointed. I was feeling like I should have known better than to think that what I’d dreamed of could actually happen.
It wasn’t heartache. It was crushed dreams. It wasn’t personal. It was having built up my hopes SO high that when they collapsed, I had a long way to go when I hit the ground. Boom. Ouch. It hurt. And as much as I wanted what had been on top of that mountain of expectations, I’m not really one to get right back on the horse. To completely mix metaphors.
Late last night and today I was told that he already has a sub girlfriend. He actually lives with another woman. (He specifically told me about this girlfriend but told me she was someone he casually dated years ago. He explicitly told me he lived alone.) He was, I don’t know exactly, using me to get his girlfriend jealous? Or something like that? He never had any intention of making what he promised me into reality. So, now I feel like an idiot. And naive. And scammed.
And supposedly he also would make fun of me. Laughed at me.
So now not only are my dreams shattered — I don’t think I can make myself believe again that they’re possible — AND I feel like a naive fool — I also realize that all of his compliments really WERE serving some other purpose. If he was making fun of me and laughing at me, then he didn’t mean it when he told me I was charming… cute… sexy…
Yea! Now I get to be ugly and charmless, too.
So, fuck. I feel like shit.
Yes, I do know that this will pass. I WILL feel better. I’ll probably even get on the damn horse or climb the mountain, whichever metaphor you prefer, again. But right now life sucks.
However, just like I suspected it would, writing about it has already made me feel a little better. It’s like purging it. I’ve written about it and so I don’t need to keep repeating how I *would* write about it in my head.
