Another Sex Blog

I think I mentioned that the GB I was in was filmed. I just got to see the DVD today. I don’t think I’ve seen myself filmed since the films relatives took at holiday times when my cousins and I were little kids!

It’s weird.

My observations about myself:

I have a really girlish voice. It has a definite innocent girl quality to it. Who knew?

My tummy doesn’t look nearly as big as it seems to look to me when I look in the mirror. I’m thin and petite, though curvy, but I’m far from having a flat stomach. Anyway, nice to know it doesn’t stick out as much as I thought.

I’ve been told by guys that I have a nice butt. (And occassionally by women that I have a BIG butt!) One doesn’t really get to see one’s butt that much, you know! So. My ass. Is definitely round. And I can see why “ass guys” seem to be attracted to me. Which always bothers me, cuz I’d *really* like “tits guys” to be attracted to me since the best thing in the world is to have my nipples played with. Ah, I digress.

Wait — I have the DVD playing, actually, as I write this. I take back *some* of what I wrote about my tummy / belly / stomach. I may never have sex on my back with my legs thrown over a guys shoulders again. Yuck! Every other position ok, though.

Oh, and I remind me of someone. I mean, like some actress. I’ve been told that I resemble Bjork and Audrey Tautou. But I don’t think that’s who I remind *me* of. This is a *really* weird feeling to see myself and tape and think … oh *who* is that she reminds me of…? It’s that young and innocent thing again, though. SO weird.

I said before that I didn’t totally remember the temporal sequence of some things from the GB. And I was right. There are a few times where I distinctly remember something happening, but I had no idea they happened at the same time. Or not at the same time.

Ok, so this post is *really* self-absorbed, but I’m just so fascinated by this. I don’t feel like that’s what I look like or sound like. It’s like when I see myself in group photos with my friends and realize that I’m A LOT shorter than they are. I don’t feel shorter than them when we’re together, but I so obviously am! Even though people tell me all the time that I seem “younger” than my age AND that I’m “petite” I have a hard time seeing myself that way. But, now I can see it.

Weird wierd wierd.

In a good way.

Wow.

I am simply amazed at some of the responses I’ve gotten to my posting about the gangbang.

Apparantly, I’m now psychologically damaged, a sex addict, on my way to a drug habit, have horribly low self-esteem, and am going to end up bloody and beaten. In an alley, no less.

And each person that writes to “warn” me and offer their “help” straight out says they won’t listen to my defending myself and when I ask them for more info they retract their offer for help, too.

I’m feeling a whole bunch of things here. I want to give more info that I think wasn’t obvious in what I’ve already shared about my sex life and what I’ve been doing. I want to throw insults back at those who have written me and called ME names. I *really* want to know why I even give a shit about what people I don’t know at all think of me.

I doubt that any of the people who have contacted me will even bother to read this. They’ve all declared that my “denial” that I’m in trouble is “proof” that I *am* in trouble. Kind of a catch-22.

I’m not a sex addict. I can see how it *might* seem that way if you really think that I write about ALL of my life on this blog. From the National Council of Sex Addiction:

1. Were you sexually abused as a child or adolescent?
2. Do you regularly purchase romance novels or sexually explicit magazines?
3. Have you stayed in romantic relationships after they become emotionally or physically abusive?
4. Do you often find yourself preoccupied with sexual thoughts or romantic daydreams?
5. Do you feel that your sexual behavior is abnormal?
6. Does your spouse–or intimate partner–ever worry or complain about your sexual behavior?
7. Do you have trouble stopping your sexual behavior when you know it is inappropriate?
8. Do you ever feel guilty about your sexual behavior?
9. Has your sexual behavior ever created problems for you and your family?
10. Did you ever seek help related to your problematic sexual behavior?
11. Have you ever worried about people finding out about your sexual activities?
12. Has anyone been hurt emotionally because of your sexual behavior?
13. Have you ever participated in sexual activity in exchange for money or gifts?
14. Do you have times when you have sex compulsively followed by periods of celibacy (no sex at all)?
15. Have you made efforts to quit a type of sexual activity and failed?
16. Do you hide some of your sexual behavior from people important to you?
17. Do you find yourself having multiple romantic relationships at the same time?
18. Have you ever felt degraded by your sexual behavior?
19. Has sex or romantic fantasies been a way for you to escape your problems?
20. When you have sex, do you feel depressed afterwards?
21. Do you regularly engage in sado-masochistic behavior or fantasies?
22. Has your sexual activity interfered with your family life?
23. Have you been sexual with minors?
24. Do you feel controlled by your sexual desire or fantasies of romance?
25. Do you ever think your sexual desire is stronger than you are?

3 - 4 “yes” responses may indicate an area of concern and should be openly discussed with a friend or family member.
5 - 7 positive answers suggests a need for further assessment of the problem behavior, including the consideration of attending a 12-Step support program such as Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous.
More than 7 “yes” responses indicates a serious struggle with addictive sexual issues with potentially self- abusive and/or dangerous consequences. Should seriously consider professional treatment.

The ONLY yes I have is possibly to #2 because I have a subscription to Playboy. Oh, and #21 and I think that’s a biased question.

So, I’m addicted to napping and to ice cream, but not to sex. (Seriously, though, I DO know what addiction feels like. I’m 5 months smoke-free after 10 years of smoking 1-2 packs a day.)

There also seems to be a MAJOR misunderstanding about both HOW I ended up with this particular group of guys for the gangbang AND about BDSM in general. I’m not sure which to address first…

Hmmm. Ok. The guy who organized the gangbang (GB). I’ve been kind of seeing him regularly. I wouldn’t call him my “boyfriend” and I have the feeling (but, I’m not sure) we’re NOT compatible after all, but that’s besides the point and has nothing to do with our *physical* and *sexual* compatibility (which REALLY sucks, come to think of it, since we are SO compatible THAT way).

He’s sweet. Very kind. Very nice. I’m offended that people are assuming he must be abusive AND that I wouldn’t be able to tell that he is. Which he isn’t.

Anyway, YEARS ago, he formed this group of men who do gangbangs. He has standards for a guy to join the group and most of the men have been “members” for a long time. His absolute number one rule is RESPECT the WOMAN. Is it possible that there will one day be a guy who IS disturbed and violent? Sure, it’s possible that “my” guy would be fooled. But those OTHER seven, eight, nine, whatever, guys who sure as hell stop the bastard from doing harm.

I just can’t emphasize enough how normal and nice and RESPECTFUL these men are. Were they somewhat rough during the sex? Yes and I even said I would have liked it rougher (which I’ll get to…). But afterwards they took care of me and made sure I had anything I needed. Did I add all those details in the story? No, I didn’t think it was “erotic,” but I made the mistake of thinking that some of my regular readers had read my earlier posts. And that they KNEW I needed that kind of aftercare. And there’s no way I’d be *happy* about the experience if I hadn’t gotten it.

BDSM. I have had submissive fantasies since I was approximately five years old. No, I wasn’t abused or anything like that at all. Actually, I just recently went to a talk given by a Domme who says she also had her dominant fantasies since she was a little kid. It’s not uncommon.

Submissive does NOT mean less-than or garbage or worthless, people! Geez. Being into D/s is NOT a psychological disorder. ARE there people who have, well, “issues” who get involved in BDSM? Of course. But that doesn’t mean that being into BDSM means you have “issues!”

Oh, so the roughness. I did say in my post that I did wish they were rougher. Maybe the people who contacted me just assumed that a GB had to be rough to begin with so my asking for more had to mean actual violence?? One person who contacted me suggested that I would continue to want more roughness until I ended up with a damaged colon. LOL! Uhm, no. You ain’t getting anywhere NEAR my ass without MY being in control of that. And I did have to back away from some of the guys who wanted to try anal with me during the GB. Sorry, they were either too big or were going at an angle that wasn’t comfortable for me. I didn’t even have to SAY stop in those cases, I just pulled away from them and that was it. The image I attached here is the motto of people involved in BDSM groups and they take it very seriously. And I AM involved with people in these groups, not just random “unknowns.”

However, I like having my hair pulled. Not pulled OUT, just pulled. I like being pulled onto a guy. I like being bitten. NOT until there’s blood, just little nips. THAT’s what I meant by rougher. And there is NO proof anywhere out there that people into BDSM and slightly masochistic just keep needing more and more. I looked. I actually found studies that state what I just stated. There’s no evidence for it. None.

Oh and to the guy (who I’m almost certain is NOT reading this, oh well) who says I’ll “wake up some morning with zosters all over your beautiful face” needs to do a little research on the different types of herpes viruses and how they’re transmitted. I understood his/her point, but it loses a little something when the basic facts are flawed.

Also, getting off on “humiliation” DURING sex, doesn’t mean you’ll stand for it outside of sex. Yes, I like to be called names and be called a “slut” when I’m having sex. I’m really pissed off at the guy who emailed me and called me that for real. In a very derogatory manner. Who says that I’m ignorant of what I’m doing. And of who I’m spending my time with. He says that ” I’ll venture to say the only men who are following your blog with desires to meet you are the wolves in sheep’s clothing..the ones ready and eager to take advantage of you. They do not give a fuck about you, in any way , shape or form. They are pretenders at best,otherwise they’d have no part in it.” This person by the way specifically did NOT give me permission to quote him. But, he doesn’t have to for me to have the right to do it. I’m so tempted to name him because he’s hurt me very badly. I thought he was a sort-of friend. And he’s the one I want to throw insults at, reflexively. In retaliation.

I absolutely know with no doubt in my head or heart at all that there’s at LEAST one guy who I’ve met with in real life, who reads my blog, who does not feel that way about me. (Hi, friend, if you’re reading this! I hope you know who you are!) I’m pretty sure about some others. And I know that the guy who organized the GB cares for me, too. He doesn’t bring me flowers and go to the movies with me and tolerate my wanting to go places that serve girlie drinks all because I have sex with him. Or not ONLY because of that, anyway.

So, ok? In case anyone IS reading this that’s worried about me and you haven’t written to me, I’m ok. I guess if you really believe that anyone who’s into BDSM or is submissive has psychological problems, then I probably can’t convince you otherwise from here. It’s NOT true that I’m going to keep doing “worse” and “worse” things. I really wanted to try DP and TP and I worked my way up to that. I really wanted to be on film and I worked up to that, too. (Hey, I don’t post about ALL my experiences here!)

There are other things I want to try, but I’m guessing they’ll sound more tame. That doesn’t mean I no longer want to try them. I’d like to masturbate while a guy is sucking my nipples. I’d like to have sex while ALSO using a vibrator on my clit. I want to have sex in front of a mirror. Actually, I think the photos and filming were part of working up to the mirror!

Ok. I’m done explaining. For now.

Oh, feel FREE to argue/disagree/try to convince me I’m wrong. I’m **ALWAYS** open to hearing another’s point of view.

My view of the world has been changed by being active on Adult FriendFinder.

Every single guy I see I assume is thinking about sex. I wonder if they are one of the guys who have a profile on AFF. Or who have contacted me. I mention in my profile that I think about sex all the time. But, now I’m assuming that every guy does, too. (Not getting too many emails from women, I don’t generalize that assumption towards them.)

That’s not a criticism or a bad thing, btw. Just an interesting change. It makes going to the cafeteria at work a lot more interesting anyway!

Another thing… the more penis pictures I see… (I just know some women are gonna want to kill me for saying this) the more appealing they are. Once upon a time in my life, I thought penises were kinda gross looking. I never thought that about naked women, though. Then I became a bit fascinated (can you be just a little bit “fascinated”?) with how they’re all so different from one another. By the time I signed onto this site, I was neutral towards the pictures. A little interested because of the wow look how different they are factor, but not turned on at all. Now… yeah, they kind of do turn me on.

I really think this is because I keep seeing them. In the context of a site where people are looking for, thinking about, and talking about sex. It seems to me that instead of becoming used to (numb to? immune to? there’s a word I that’s right that I can’t think of right now…) the erotic aspect of the pictures, they’re becoming MORE of a turn on. Which isn’t what I would have guessed would happen. It doesn’t seem logical. But, it *seems* to be what’s happening. Unexpectedly.

So, I wonder then, if the rising popularity of amateur porn, mostly viewed by men I assume, might somehow be making “regular” women more sexually appealing to regular men. I know. That’s a huge jump to make. And I’m not saying it’s true; it’s just something I can’t help but wonder about.

Think about “traditional” porn. A lot of the women look very similar. And men consider them hot. Yes, guys, I KNOW that’s not true for ALL of you. I’m makin’ some generalizations here! So… do the women in porn look like that because that’s what men find a turn on, or do men find that a turn on because someone somewhere at some time decided that that’s what women in porn should look like?

I know that I’m influenced by who’s portrayed as being sexy. I know which women are sexy. Some women are definitely hot. There are some women that I see and just think… “sex.” Even if I’m not thinking, as a guy might, “gee, I want to fuck her.” I really think this all has to do with certain types of women, certain looks, being associated with sex. It affects me, even though I’m straight. That’s my theory anyway.

On the other hand… this could very well all be a weird quirk that I have. I’ve often become turned on by something which originally had no appeal for me at all. I might hear of an idea — a sex act or scenario or fetish — that I completely don’t understand. I’ll have no idea why someone might find that a turn on. Then it’s like it incubates in my subconscious. And one day, I’ll hear of it again and get totally turned on. This has happened a few times. But, like I said, that could be just me. And that might explain why what I see in porn — or in naked photos on AFF — affects what gets me hot and bothered.

Anyway, that’s what I’ve been thinking about lately.

I like porn. I’ve always liked written pornography, stories, etc. The first few times I saw porn photos, I found them more interesting than a turn-on, but I did find them VERY interesting. I didn’t see video porn until I was in my 20s. Same thing, interesting at first and not a turn on until later.

You know those questions, like a parlor game, where your answer has a different meaning or interpretation than what it first seems like? I don’t think I’m describing that very well. I know there’s a name for this type of question and answer game, but I can’t think of it right now.

Anyway, there’s one that goes like this: You’re on an African safari vacation. While on tour, your guide stops to point out an event. There’s a lion savagely killing and/or eating his/her prey. What is your initial reaction to seeing this?

When I was asked this my answer was that I would be completely fascinated in a sort of scientific way. What does it REALLY look like, to see a wild animal devouring another animal? Then, I’d also wonder if it was real at all. Was this set up to happen at this time so that the tourists would be able to see it? Did that make the event itself any different? I’d wish I could get closer and really see all the details.

Then I found out that your answer was supposed to be the same as you felt (or would feel) the first time you saw porn! Ha! It totally worked for me. I’m fascinated by sex. By what others do and how they do it and what it looks like.

There are two major streams of thought I have about porn that I want to share via this blog. Which one should go first? Or are the inextricably connected? One is, to sum it up, probably inadequately, how does porn affect what our expectations are in regards to sex. The other is, why do women get so upset about their significant others’ use of porn?

I think opinion number two has a lot to do with assumptions about the answer to opinion number one.

My blog posts are always too long. My opinions/thoughts on these two topics regarding porn to be posted separately and later.