Another Sex Blog

I have been fortunate in the last few weeks to have some really excellent sex. I wrote a few posts ago about one of my encounters. But there have been two more since then.

There’s a guy whose picture had me drooling. On top of that he wrote completely legible emails. lol. And then. I met him.

(Actually, it took a while. He doesn’t live in Chicago, though he says he’s moving here

– aside: isn’t that a bit sad, that I have to say he “says” he’s moving here? This site is really jading me! –

so, it took a while for us to find a time when he was here and when I was free.)

He didn’t look exactly like his picture. I mean, I recognized he was the guy I was supposed to be meeting, but I wouldn’t have recognized him if I just randomly ran into him somewhere. He was better looking in real life. Though, I’m almost completely positive that that had more to do with chemistry/personality/aura/whatever than anything else. I liked him. It was just a bonus that he was hot.

That’s a slight problem, I think, with online dating. (Or whatever you want to call it; dating is just the most convenient term.) Chemistry just doesn’t translate online. I can think someone’s completely perfect from online, but IRL it just falls flat. There’s no spark. The opposite is also true; I can meet someone IRL that I just feel a click with but I’m able to figure out that I probably wouldn’t have been attracted to them on paper, or uhm, on screen. I want both, though, you know? I want all the stuff that *matters* to me — from philosophy of life to knowing the damn difference between you’re and your — AND to feel that WOW feeling. Sorry, I’m digressing.

So, I really liked talking to this guy. Of course, the benefit of this site, as opposed to the aforementioned minus, is that I already know that he’s not going to be put off by my wanting to have sex on the first “date” and he already knows that I’m… enthusiastic… about sex. Yay! Big plus. I don’t have to worry that I’m going to freak some guy out. I assume anyone reading this pretty much isn’t judging me for my sluttiness (no, that word doesn’t bother me. It’s the tone some people say it with that’s offensive, not the word itself.) but I also assume you know guys who *would* so you can imagine what I’m talking about.

Up to the hotel room. We met in the bar of the hotel he was staying at.

I’d had too much to drink. I almost always do the first time I meet someone. Also, since this particular date happened last week and I’ve had another since then, I’m not entirely sure about sequence of events.

He was a great kisser. I’m not really a fanatic about kissing. It’s far from the most important (sexual) trait or ability of a guy I’m interested in. But, it sure is nice when he’s good at it.

He has a near perfect cock. Well, for me. I’m sure different women like different features. If you’ve been reading anything I’ve written you know I LOVE giving head. And I liked it with him, too, but I even could just give him handjobs for forever. Ok, for as long as it took for my hand to cramp. lol.

Actually, he told me I could name him by his Adult FriendFinder name here, but for some reason, I’m not really comfortable doing that. I think I’ve just trained myself to NOT do that. When I first starting writing here I wanted to always share who I was talking about and I’d have to go back through my writing to make sure I didn’t really ID anyone. If you want to out yourself, you know who, feel free. Maybe you should wait to read the entire post, though.

I rarely actually LOOK at a guy’s penis. (I much prefer the word cock, but don’t like using the same word over and over when there’s alternatives!) I like closing my eyes during sexual activity. It’s not that I don’t LIKE looking, but I have a hard time on concentrating on more than one sensation at a time. If I’m looking than I’m enjoying that and not enjoying taste, or scent, or touch. Anyway, I’m admitting that I couldn’t pick out his cock in a lineup. I prefer uncircumcised over circumcised. NOT that I’d turn down a circumcised cock! hehe. But, I just like ‘em better. I don’t pay attention to that part of a guy’s profile, though. It’s not something that would make any difference in whether or not I reply to someone’s email or meet with them. So, I didn’t know going into the meeting that he was uncut. Just another YAY!

I am not at all being linear, am I? Oh well.

We had anal sex. Quite possible the most enjoyable anal I’ve ever had, other than, or equal to, when I’m full-out-party masturbating. I do like anal. SOMETIMES. <— emphasis so that I don’t get a gazillion guys who are only interested in that! Unlike my writing, I’m not very communicative talking. Not all guys really know what to do to make anal pleasurable, let alone not UNcomfortable. He totally did. (And a quiet thank you to others on here whom I’ve had good anal with, too.)

I can’t wait to have him inside me again. Any and all orifices. And I really hope I can spend a longer period of time with him. Not necessarily in the midst of all of our blood being in the lower half of our torsos, either.

I’m trying not to get TOO worked up and giddy over him. The last time, recently, I did that, I was very disappointed. I hate that.

The sex was out of this world. I really am grateful that I’ve been able to have so many fabulous sexual experiences. But I really think I’d be (slightly) disappointed, but ok if all he wanted was to chat sometimes. I’d be a little bit more disappointed if he only wanted to fuck and didn’t want to ever chat. I’m still waiting to find out if either, or neither, is going to be the case.

Oh, and the title of this post? I, like a LOT of women, refer to guys that I meet/date/fuck by some identifying nickname. I have a few friends that I can talk about my dates with and it’s easier for them if I refer to them as so-and-so guy than by their name. Especially since I’ve met with a ridiculous number of guys named Jay. But anyway… after I left his room and got into my car and was still in that post-orgasmic haze, I actually said out loud to myself “Oh my god, I just fucked George Clooney.” So, this guy is George Clooney guy. It’s not even a physical resemblance. He’s got the charm of GC. I don’t think he has a pet pig, though. Come to think of it, we didn’t talk about pets, so I don’t really know that for sure.

I’ve written once before about being recognized here Adult FriendFinder by someone I know IRL.

(totally unrelated aside: Again, I’m blogging while watching tv… why do I think it’s kind of hot when a guy gets all worked up and pissed off during an encounter with an ex-wife. Just on tv. Never actually had the experience otherwise. Weird.)

I don’t really mind if someone I know sees me on here and recognizes me. I mean, first of all, most people that know me wouldn’t be surprised by it at all. Second, how judgmental could they BE? They’re on AFF, too!

I’ve been a little more worried about someone seeing me on the street, in a store, in a restaurant, etc., and realizing that I’m [username on AFF]. I’ve thought about how I’d react if someone approached me. I can be sure of how I’d really react, but I think if the person was polite, respectful, nice, I’d be kind of flattered that my profile had stuck in their mind enough for them to recognize me. So, what I’m really worried about (”really” meaning “truthfuly”, not “very”) is someone being NOT respectful. Being rude. Basically being presumptuous. Lol. Actually, I’m pretty sure I know how I’d react to that, too, but I’ll keep that my own little secret.

What has happened recently, more than once, is my being recognized as [username on AFF] on other sites where I have a presence under another username.

So. I’ve had people contact me on these other sites saying they’ve realized I’m [username on AFF]. I’ve also had emails sent to me on my so-called throwaway email address I have that’s related to my name there. That one really amazes me. I only check that email once a month or less. It’s like a junk email address for me. It’s *not* the one I give out to people there if we ever get to the point of off-Adult FriendFinder communication. So, I can only assume that those emails (there’s been about four, I think) are sent by guys who don’t have a paid membership there and are trying to find a way to email me for free.

That’s kind of a pet peeve of mine. I am so completely not a gold-digger. I don’t care at all about how much money a guy makes. Except if it’s way way more than me… that actually makes me uncomfortable. BUT. I’m a girl — I could get emails on there without paying. I’m a *librarian*; I’m not swimming in expendable income. I have a paying membership there because I’m serious about it. Ok, sorry, end of rant.

I’m not sure how I feel about this kind of recognition. There’s no strong feeling about it, positive or negative. For the record, the people who have contacted me in one of these other ways have been of the first sort that I mentioned above — polite, nice, flattering. And that really is how the vast majority of contact I’ve had have been, btw. All the complaints that you hear from women about the guys who are assholes doesn’t mean that the *majority* of guys are like that. It’s just that there too many that are.

If you’ve read my last post, here’s an update. I’ve been expecting to hear from the guy who I have a crush on and haven’t. I’m pretty sure I’m being blown off at this point. I’ve already decided that if our not-definite plan to meet up tonight doesn’t come to fruition, I’m still going to get all gussied up like I was looking forward to. I’m going out to some swanky restaurant or bar. And I’m gonna flirt like hell.

So, if you see me out there tonight and recognize me. Be nice, ok?

Crushes are only fun for, oh, a day. Or two. Then owwwww, painful.

Here’s my reality. I’ve got about four guys “in” my life. This whole internet dating thing is… well, it’s a lot more complicated than the normal dating that one learns about on tv/ in movies / in books!

Except for one of the four guys, I’m not sure that any of *them* would consider *themselves* to be “in” my life. There’s a possibility that each one of them reads this blog, too, but I’m not positive about that either.

So, that makes my blogging about my crush touchy. If all 4 of the guys read this and see that I have a crush on one of them, some of them might be glad to think it’s them, some not. ARrrrrrgh.

Anyway, that’s just an intro/background info.

I just need to get it out that I’m crushing. It’s really a reminder about how it’s really the in person, face to face meeting that determines whether two people are going to connect or not. I could get along perfectly with someone and yet… if there’s not that chemistry, there’s really no point, is there?

I feel like people, a lot of people, think that chemistry thing is just a myth. But, when you meet someone and WOW can’t stop thinking about them and get all fluttery. It’s like the slight lift in mood coffee can give you. But then, too much, and you get all jittery.

If I knew he felt the same way than the giddiness would last a lot longer. I’ve experienced that before, too. But, of course, in this state it’s impossible to not read too much into everything even if your logical brain says not to. So, I’m going nuts because I’m reading into the so-called signs that he’s just-not-into-me. Or maybe I’m wrong. I keep going back and forth. Highs and lows.

Then there’s the other guys. Every one of them knows that I see other guys. That I’m still on this site and others.

Once more, I’ve lost what my point was really going to be for this blog. Maybe I shouldn’t watch tv while blogging. lol.

I need a daisy. *pluck a petal* He likes me. *pluck a petal* he likes me not.

Arrrrrrrrrghhhhhh.

Hate this feeling.

Just around, that’s where.

I know, I’ve been absent. Neglectful. Not just in this arena (both the blog and answering emails here), but in all of my online worlds.

Information overload. Plus, I *am* an introvert and despite what those neo-Luddites say, the Web IS interactive and social and sometimes I just need time to be away from it all. (Not the information that’s available online, btw, just the social interactions. Even though I said “information overload.”)

So, if you, dear blog reader, have emailed me in the past month or so, I apologize for not responding.

I experience a certain kind of fatigue reading emails here. I’m sure I’ve read about other women experiencing the same thing — even on more mundane personals sites. Here’s what happens. I log on and see that I have between 10 and 20 emails. I always decide to at least scan them all before replying to any. This may be my mistake, but it’s what I always do anyway.

One or two of them are from people I might be interested in. The rest are from people who clearly either didn’t read my profile or ignored it. Or are from people that offend my senses in some way, in which case, if there is any blame to be placed, it’s on me, not them, btw. The longer I’ve been doing this online “dating” thing, the more I realize how particular I am. Not that I didn’t know that before; I did. It’s just become MORE obvious to me and I’m just accepting it more easily instead of feeling guilty about it. I like what I like and don’t like what I don’t like. Anyway… sorry… tangent over. This one at least.

So, the people who email me who obviously do NOT match who I’m looking for just get me irritated. I think (uh-oh another tangent) part of the reason for that is because I have this innate desire to HELP people find what they need. Hence the librarian career. So, part of me really wants to email them back and explain to them why they are wasting their time emailing me. And if their email or profile really needs some improvement, to give them suggestions. I don’t actually think that any of them want me to do this; it’s just a, thankfully, controllable urge I have. So, I think up in my head what I would tell them. Then I imagine what their horrified reaction and/or response would be. This all happens in a matter of seconds, but it’s still draining.

The ones from people who offend my senses, well… my senses end up being offended! lol.

Both of these experiences make me NOT in the mood to put in the effort deserved to those whom I DO want to respond to. So, I put it off. Thinking that I’ll just respond next time I log in. Of course, when I do, there’s another 10-20 unread emails and it starts all over.

I hope it’s clear that I’m not complaining or whining. This is a problem, mostly, of my own making, but I can’t seem to stop the cycle.

So, if you’ve read this far, I’m repeating what I said earlier. I apologize if I’ve ignored your email. (Let’s just assume that “you” refers to someone whom I wanted to respond to). Sigh. Sorry.

In case you have no idea what the craigslist sex scandal IS, see Violet Blue’s synopsis.

That page also contains links to info about the “prank”.

(Oh, and for those guys that think us women who complain about the misspellings and just-not-nice emails we get, take a look at some of the responses at http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/index.php/RFJason_CL_Experiment

These are the kinds of responses we ALL get — even those who do NOT post “I like it rough and nasty” ads.)

Very simply summed up: rjfason posts ad on Seattle craigslist that is supposedly from a submissive female seeking sex with a dom male. “Supposedly” because I read that he copied the ad from another place and just used it. The ad doesn’t read at all, to me, like a real ad. I think even the original was probably a fake… but anyway… so he gets all the scuzzy email responses that all women who post online in any sort of remotely sexually related way gets. Then he proceeds to post these responses online in their entirety — including any identifying info he received.

People are debating. Did he break the law? Is this unethical? Did these guys who responded and are now being outed (for lack of a better term) deserve it? Is this a fabulous way to teach people that they shouldn’t give out private info to someone they don’t know? Is this even a big deal?

I’m kind of amazed at how controversial it all is.

I don’t know if he broke the law. I honestly thought that any correspondence I received from someone was mine to do with as I wished, but apparently there *are* laws against that in some places.

Damn YES it’s unethical! He’s a jerk. His only motivation is to BE a jerk. I read a piece where someone compared him to the people who pose as underagers to catch pedophiles. Well, I think that’s kind of shitty, too, but it’s NOT the same. Yeah, motivation matters. Even in the law it matters. That’s the main difference between murder and manslaughter, isn’t it?

Then there’s the argument that no one should give out their private info to a stranger and people should be more cautious blah blah blah. Look, whoever you are reading this, you give out your personal info to people you don’t know ALL THE TIME. I thought phishing was actually illegal. Why do people get upset about it if all it is is a scammer pretending to be someone/something he/she is not and getting your info in the process? According to this logic, it shouldn’t matter at all that you assumed your information was going to a different person or that it was going to be used in a different way. Or identity theft. All that person is doing is using information about you that you yourself made available in *some* way.

But, some argue, these are slimy sleazy guys who are sending dick pics and offensive words and are looking to be the top in a bdsm relationship. Guys who want to fuck and fuck up some girl. Uh, yeah… so? I know others have made the point that this would be seen differently by a lot of people (though certainly not all) if it were an “experiment” (as rfjason calls it) to publicly out gays or lesbians. But since it’s guys who most people see as, well, icky, then it’s ok. Afterall, if they hadn’t responded to *that kind* of ad then they wouldn’t have to worry about all this. Yeah. And if that girl hadn’t worn that short skirt on her date, she wouldn’t have been raped. It’s ALL HER FAULT. Silly of her to have trusted a guy she hardly knew enough to let him drive her home. Well, yeah, actually, that IS stupid.. er, silly of her. But it doesn’t excuse the guy from being EVIL for raping her. Get the analogy?

Also — rfjason claims to be ignorant of how this could possibly hurt anyone’s life. He claims that no one could be fired, for example, over this. First, sexual preference is NOT automatically protected from discrimination everywhere. It’s local, not federal. Then there’s the fact that that only refers to sexual orientation — gay, straight, bi. NOT kinky vs vanilla. There’s no law protecting people from being fired for having a picture of their genitals online. Personally, I think there *should* be a law that says employers can’t fire you for what you do outside of work, but there’s not. And there’s definitely no law that protects people from having their friends or family reject them. Even for sexual orientation. *MY* friends and family wouldn’t. I’m assuming from his attitude that rfjason’s wouldn’t either. But that’s SO not true for lots, if not most, people.

I also read someone suggest that maybe this would keep some of those jerks who aren’t *really* responding to the ads and are just being assholes from responding to ads in the future. I doubt it. They’ll still respond, only now some of them will use fake info or set up anon email addresses. It’s the guys who are sincere who will no longer respond. And for those of us women who really ARE sincerely posting ads, we lose out. Yeah, it’s a pain to dig through all the drudge and slime to find the few gems, but they really are out there. I’ve met some and had some fabulous experiences. I wonder if some of those men will no longer answer ads. Or will no longer send me a face photo when I ask for one… which means I will NOT be meeting with them.

This is just another time when I have to ask “Why can’t we just all be nice?”

I know it’s so naive, but it’s still the only solution to most of the world’s misery. IMHO.

WHY do people go out of their way to say things to make another person feel badly? I mean, really, if it’s gonna take all that effort to do it, why not just say nothing at all and let it go?

I have accounts all over the damn web. Apparently, if you’re *PSYCHO* and have WAY too much time on your hands, you can track down my various accounts. (Wondering how much time it took this guy to do that.)

Anyway. I have accounts/profiles on match and on my space (along with quite a few other sites.) This morning I got an email on my space which just ruined my day. He, the sender, berated me for the activities I’ve been engaging in and posting about here. Now, understand, I do NOT feel bad about myself or about what I’ve been up to. He says in his email “you’re not garbage.” Yeah, no shit I’m not, fuckhead. (Oops, did I say that out loud?) But I find it extremely depressing that someone would take all this time to track me down to a site where they could write to me for free — cheapass — and then write a LONG email telling me how disturbed I am. I KNOW that a lot of people out there would/do disapprove of my choices. Do they need to tell me about it? I’m bordering on atheism. Do I go track down religious people and tell them what a huge mistake they’re making with their life wasting them time on such nonsense? (For those of you reading who ARE religious, no that’s not how I feel about it/you. I could be wrong and you could be right and EVEN IF I’m right and you’re wrong, I don’t see what right I would have to try to make you feel badly. That would just make me MEAN.)

Why do my posts always end up so much longer than I expect them to when I start them?

So, here’s the letter I got from Joe Kickass, who according to his profile there is a 30 year old guy from Chicago, on my space.

Oh, and the line he mentions about my mentioning sex in my G-rated profile is this: “I love talking about and reading about sex. (I want to say “in an intellectual way”, but that sounds so pretentious and I can’t think of a better way to say it… oh, well, guess I said “intellectual” anyway.) Do NOT take that as an invitation to send me crude come-ons. However, also realize that if the topic of sex makes you uncomfortable, I will probably make you uncomfortable sooner or later.”

Date: Jul 6, 2006 10:48 PM
Subject: Concern
Hello,

I felt compelled enough to sign-up on this website just to write you. I actually saw your profile on Match and thought we had a lot in common (hobbies, music, interests, religion (well, lack of believing in it), etc.). You were very articulate (it’s better than the typical profiles that are written all in caps and broken English), and of course, I thought you looked very attractive. But, I got to the paragraph about the sex discussion, which I thought was unusual. That kind of stopped me in my tracks, but I still kept your profile in mind just in case I changed my mind.

Being the pessimist that I am, I actually look on other websites and do other searches on the Internet to see if the same people that I’d like to write have profiles elsewhere (also, it is free to write people on some of these other websites). Many of these websites are written poorly enough that I could just pull up all the content and photos without even logging in. I also think Match.com sucks as far the content they’re asking members to input… most people cannot even string a few sentences together let alone fill in all of the blank areas the websites leave for text. Now, I mentioned pessimist since I actually look for a little more than what people want to share on Match. I have already had a few experiences where the women I was in contact with (or dated) were completely different than who they claimed to be. I don’t even want to waste my time on someone that cannot be honest with me from the beginning.

Well, as it turned out, I saw a profile on AdultFriendinder.com that somewhat matched up to what you had posted on Match. I at first thought you posted a profile as a joke, but I was shocked at what you have been doing… so much so that it made me feel really bad for you. Even though we don’t know one another at all (although, it is possible since I’m right around Park Ridge), I could see that you do not realize what you’re getting into… you might not even understand why you want to be involved with those activities. By no means do I think are you probably going to listen to anything I say, but you are really damaging yourself and your future by getting involved with those cold, meaningless relationships. You’ve probably kept what you are involved in secret from your friends (the people on AdultFriendFinder aren’t your friends) and family. A good hint is if it is something that you’re too embarrassed or ashamed about to even talk about it with your family. You really need to speak with someone to get some help, so you can have a future with a guy (not me… I’m writing you out of concern and that is all) that will respect you, take care of you, and love you. The more you are involved physically with other guys the more distant you will be from finding a “good” guy and being able to sustain a lasting relationship with him. It is easy to be sold on relationships with nothing more than physical involvement, but after it is over you are left with nothing on the emotional level except emptiness.

There will always be plenty of guys interested in being with you for one night, but if you don’t stop you’ll end up being in your 40s/50s alone and only with the experience of being with guys that only cared about you until they were done with you for the night and long gone. You are not garbage, and you cannot continue to let your dignity and respect continue to diminish because of ill contrived fantasies. And, even though you are saying you are “safe” when you get involved in these activities, you are not (especially when you are in contact with any bodily fluids). You are putting your health and safety in jeopardy every time you get together with any of those guys. Eventually, someone has to lose at Russian Roulette.

Even though you’re more than capable of finding one, if you want, I can suggest a therapist that you could speak with about all of this. I can tell by your writings that there is much more inside of emotionally than maybe even you realize. I know you’re an adult and can do whatever you choose to do (it’s your right). All I know is that if I had a friend that looked out for me when I was getting myself involved in a destructive situation, I would be very grateful that they were there for me when I didn’t know I needed them.

Sorry that I was intrusive, but I just got really concerned. If you want to reply, rant, ask me something, etc.; that is fine with me. Otherwise, I won’t be contacting you again. I hope everything for you turns out well.

-J

Ok, this is too long, but I’m still going to post what I wrote to him in response — I couldn’t help myself!

Dammit, my day is ruined and it’s only 8:30 a.m.

Here’s what I wrote back to him:

Who the fuck do you think you are?

I don’t know why you might have even thought for a second we might be compatible since my mentioning that I like to talk about sex freaked you out. A bit repressed, maybe? You should see a therapist if talking about sex — especially JUST in a sociological/scientific — makes you that uncomfortable. That’s really unhealthy.

I’m assuming you know what I’ve “been doing” from reading my blog on Adult FriendFinder. I *do* find it a little odd that someone so uncomfortable with the topic of sex would even be ON Adult FriendFinder… another indication that you’re conflicted about your sexuality?

These aren’t “cold, meaningless relationships” because they’re not “relationships.” Well, at least not any more so than the “relationship” I have with my accountant or my opthamologist. And, actually, you’re wrong about my keeping this a secret! LOL! Most of my friends know. My mother and my sister know. Though not *details* but only because they don’t *want* to know those — and I know that because they’ve told me. Same with my coworkers. How much do YOUR friends and family know about your sexual activities and fantasies, btw? Mine know that I go to a weekly BDSM munch (google it if you don’t know what that is.)

I guess you’re not aware of the fact that there are people out there VERY different from you. I won’t be able to find a guy who can respect and love me? First, who says that’s what I want? I have some fabulous women friends in their 60s and 70s who have never been married and are extraordinarily happy with their lives. I’m not saying you *can’t* be married and have that kind of happiness, but it’s absolutely not necessary. I also have an extremely close and tight-knit group of friends AND extended family. The only way I’d be “alone” in my 40s/50s is, I suppose, if some sort of plague wiped all of those people out and I was somehow miraculously spared. Anyway, second, there ARE guys who not only wouldn’t mind my past, but would find it a PLUS. I have the feeling you won’t believe that because YOU don’t feel that way and it’s unlikely you’ve spoken directly to people who have told you that they do feel that way. If you want to get an idea of the variety of people out there and the types of relationships that are possible, check out Alt.com, too. And, yes, I know people in HAPPY polyamorous relationships, also.

Even if I was a virgin, though, I would never EVER fall in love nor commit myself to the type of man who would hold that against me or against any woman.

You’re DAMNED right I’m not garbage! Which is why I’m so offended that you’re writing to me as if I were. Would you have this horrible opinion of me if I were a guy? Uhm, NO! I realize that everyone has their own prejudices but I think it’s useful to be aware of them. You’re sexist. Another thing you might want to talk to your therapist about.

As far as being “safe” — don’t be a complete idiot. The only “safe” sex is sex with yourself. And come to think of it, with some of those cheap vibrators and other toys out there, that comes with potential hazards, too. I suppose I could be more PC and say “safer” sex.

I’d love to know what “I can tell by your writings that there is much more inside of emotionally than maybe even you realize” means, btw.

I am so completely enraged at your audacity and judgementalness (is that a word?) I don’t even know how to express it. I think I’m most upset by the fact that you just ASSUME that I even WANT to find “the one.” That all I would ever want in this world above ALL else, including physical pleasure would be “a guy that will respect you, take care of you, and love you.” TAKE CARE OF ME? What century IS this? Uhm, thanks, I can do that myself.

Oh yeah, I wanted to ask, how exactly being “physical” with other guys would keep me from being able to “sustain a lasting relationship”? What’s the connection?

I really am interested in your response to all of this. Unlike you, I’m actually interested in how people other than me think. And please include a photo. That’s only fair considering you’ve seen MORE than enough of me, don’t you think? (If I was so *ashamed* of what I’ve been doing, why would I have my photo out there???)

(and I signed my first name to the bottom).

I’ve changed my profile on Adultfriendfinder. My profile is now what I’d once posted earlier as a blog post with a couple of edits.

But, I grew attached to my old profile, so I’m putting it here as a post.

That’s all. Nothing too exciting.

Old Profile
Intellectual Academic who is somewhat shy at first fantasizes about being a slut.

If I believed in the concept of nymphomania, I’d say that I suffer from it. As it is, I’ll just say that I think about sex almost constantly.

I am *only* interested in email communication AT FIRST. No IM. No chat. No, “hi how are you let’s fuck.”

My Ideal Person:
I know it’s not fair. Women have a huge advantage over guys here, which means we can be picky. So I’m going to be just that.

I am submissive, so I’m looking for someone who’s dominant. I am not submissive to just anyone, though.
I’m kinky. At least I am compared to the majority of people. So, I’m looking for someone else who is kinky, too.
I’m picky about intelligence. Completely ungrammatical and misspelled emails are unlikely to get a response from me.
I’m picky about looks. I know that’s not fair. Lots of people don’t find me attractive either. I don’t think it’s personal. So send a photo (doesn’t have to be one in which you’d be recognizable/identifiable), please, if there’s not already one in your profile.
I’m a little bit picky about age, but if you “give good email” and are attractive (to me), and have compatible kinks, age is the least important factor.

The rest of my (long) profile I’ve kept the same because A) sometimes it gets the kind of response I like to get and I wrote it *while* I was very horny and so it’s authentic in its own way.
Someone who’s actually read my profile. Someone who can spell. Lack of those two qualities are “deal-breakers.”

Let me know what kind of fantasies you have. Don’t tell me what you think a woman wants to hear. Tell me what really turns you on.

A sample of what I’d like to tell you about:

I want to be one special guy’s slut who he shares with his buddies. That is a major fantasy of mine. Of course, since I’m still only dreaming of becoming a true slut, I’ll need your help in learning how to be one.

Pinch, tease and bite my nipples. I’ll tell you a secret. If a guy manages to get a hold of one of my nipples, teasing it, flicking it, squeezing it… my legs automatically open and my hips start rocking back and forth. It’s completely a reflex and I can’t stop it from happening.

I love sucking cock and think that the taste of cum is the best taste in the world. …. Even writing that down makes my mouth water (not to mention my dripping cunt.) Would you let me feast on your hard cock while on my knees? Your hands in my hair… calling me the slut that I am? Then letting me taste every last drop of your cum?

Write me if this gets your delicious cock hard…

I’m getting wet thinking about telling you the things that I want to do and the things I could never tell anyone I know in my “real” life that I’ve done…

So, what the hell happened?

I’ll try to keep it short, but don’t hold your breath.

I had a profile on Alt.com. Almost identical to the one here. I was looking for a D/s relationship. I answered an email I got from a guy.

We emailed back and forth. And back and forth. And he seemed to be offering *exactly* what I had been looking for for as long as I can remember. And I have very very early memories. But, that’s another one of those topics I intend to write about someday and never seem to get around to.

So, anyway, we emailed. I know this sounds cliche, but I really did tell him things about myself that I’ve never told anyone else.

We met, very briefly, in person. By that time I already had high hopes for this relationship.

Oh, I should point out that this particular relationship was NOT going to be “romantic.” It was a *kinky* friends with benefits situation. He told me he didn’t mind if I had a vanilla boyfriend and I wouldn’t have cared if he had a significant other either. Even if they weren’t vanilla.

Anyway, we met in person, and I was SO nervous I was literally shaking. My hands were trembling. But, after meeting him I was even more certain that this was the guy who was going to provide me with what I’d been searching for.

I consider myself submissive. That does NOT mean that I’m submissive to anyone and everyone. Nor does it mean that I’m a doormat. I want respect. I deserve respect. And just because I like to be told what to do in the bedroom (figuratively), doesn’t mean I’ll tolerate it in day-to-day life or in other areas of my life. This guy seemed to completely understand that. Which seems to me to be a rare quality among the male Doms on Alt.

Then things got busy in my life and then things got busy in his and we didn’t seem to be able to find a good time to meet FOR REAL. I was being patient. I’d send him emails every once in a while and he’d promise me that when we finally met things would be even better than I hoped. And he’d say the nicest things about me. Compliments about my looks.

See, I’m very… not sure of the right word… concerned? about my physical appearance. I desperately want to be attractive. And sexy. At the same time, I constantly doubt that I am. I feel like I should try to figure out why it’s so important to me… but so far I haven’t. It just is.

So, his telling me that he found me very attractive, cute, sexy was intoxicating because there was something about the way he said it that made me believe him. Usually, my reaction to when/if people compliment me is to wonder what they want. What purpose is trying to get me to believe their compliments serving for them? Also something I’ve thought since I was very young. My mom tells me a story about how I often would cry when people would compliment me and she once asked me why I did that. My response was “I don’t know what they WANT!”

Fast forward.

I email him some photos. I don’t hear from him for days. I’m getting tired of checking my email hoping to see a response from him and that gut dropping feeling I’d get when there wasn’t one. Now, I of all people, really, should know that sometimes it just takes a while for someone to get back to someone else. But after 5 days. And also a string of emails that had been one sentence or less long.

Oh, wait, rewind. Shortly after we began emailing and he seemed to be ideal, I changed my profile on Alt to say that I was no longer looking for a match.

Ok. So. After 5 days, I went and changed my profile on Alt. I removed the part about my having potentially found someone.

THEN he emails me. And says that he heard a rumor that my profile had changed and that that was probably for the best since he was too busy to pursue this.

So much for making this short, huh?

THAT’s when I wrote the post below this. Where I was sad. I was disappointed. I was feeling like I should have known better than to think that what I’d dreamed of could actually happen.

It wasn’t heartache. It was crushed dreams. It wasn’t personal. It was having built up my hopes SO high that when they collapsed, I had a long way to go when I hit the ground. Boom. Ouch. It hurt. And as much as I wanted what had been on top of that mountain of expectations, I’m not really one to get right back on the horse. To completely mix metaphors.

Late last night and today I was told that he already has a sub girlfriend. He actually lives with another woman. (He specifically told me about this girlfriend but told me she was someone he casually dated years ago. He explicitly told me he lived alone.) He was, I don’t know exactly, using me to get his girlfriend jealous? Or something like that? He never had any intention of making what he promised me into reality. So, now I feel like an idiot. And naive. And scammed.

And supposedly he also would make fun of me. Laughed at me.

So now not only are my dreams shattered — I don’t think I can make myself believe again that they’re possible — AND I feel like a naive fool — I also realize that all of his compliments really WERE serving some other purpose. If he was making fun of me and laughing at me, then he didn’t mean it when he told me I was charming… cute… sexy…

Yea! Now I get to be ugly and charmless, too.

So, fuck. I feel like shit.

Yes, I do know that this will pass. I WILL feel better. I’ll probably even get on the damn horse or climb the mountain, whichever metaphor you prefer, again. But right now life sucks.

However, just like I suspected it would, writing about it has already made me feel a little better. It’s like purging it. I’ve written about it and so I don’t need to keep repeating how I *would* write about it in my head.

It’s happened. I saw a profile of a guy I know.

Of course, I looked at his profile, which means if he looks, he’ll see me in the list of people who have looked at his profile.

I think guys look at that list more than girls do, but I’m not sure. I generally don’t look. I get enough email as it is and don’t need to go emailing people myself. And I’m vain! I don’t want to know who it is who’s looked at my profile and decided NOT to contact me! LOL! Yeah, I do laugh at myself sometimes.

So… this guy that I know. I know his whole family. He has a brother who I wouldn’t be at all surprised to see here and I would definitely say something to him if I saw *him* here. We’d laugh about it! But, the brother I actually did see? I’m pretty sure he’d be embarrassed that I saw it. AND he’d be embarrassed to know that I knew he’d read MY profile. Or seen my picture.

Oh, I also found out that one of my coworkers has a brother who has a profile on here as a couple with his wife. The wife being of the brother that is. Not the coworker. Which would make a much more interesting story, come to think of it.

So, I don’t know this is weird. He has a typo in his profile and one of his photos doesn’t show him at his best. He’s more attractive in real life. But, I can’t tell him any of this because I can’t tell him I saw him.

I think this might sound like I’m fretting about it more than I am. I actually find it very amusing. Bizarre, but amusing.

I just got an email from a friend of mine who has a cousin who wants to fix me up with one of her friends. Wow, that sounds much more confusing than it really is.

Me <---> Friend <---> Cousin <---> Cousin’s Friend

So, Cousin asked Friend what I’d look for in a guy. Cousin knows me as an acquaintance and just had a feeling that this guy and me would be a good match.

Friend writes a description of me, which she passed on to me for my approval. I was amazed. She described me better than I could have. So, I thought I’d share…

Physically, she seems to be attracted to pretty thin, lanky type of guys - not really into the burly, teddy bear type. They’d have to be pretty intellectual - she’s a librarian and an avid reader. Poor grammar and spelling drives her crazy and she’s very witty and silly at times (like the rest of us) - they would need to appreciate that. And I hate to sound brash by saying this but I couldn’t describe [her] without mentioning her interest in and openness with sexuality. They’d have to be comfortable with that too. She does live at home with her mom and sister (they can’t be bothered by that), she loves kids (she’s over at [friends of ours] all the time to see [their daughters].) and she did recently quit smoking which we are all very proud of. She’s also a bit of an introvert favoring small groups versus large parties and not a big fan of the telephone - prefers e-mail and text messaging to phone conversations.

I’m still in shock at how well she described me. I mean, I’ve known her for, oh, almost 20 years. But still.