BDSM, sex addiction, and the path to hell.
Monday, July 10th, 2006
Wow.
I am simply amazed at some of the responses I’ve gotten to my posting about the gangbang.
Apparantly, I’m now psychologically damaged, a sex addict, on my way to a drug habit, have horribly low self-esteem, and am going to end up bloody and beaten. In an alley, no less.
And each person that writes to “warn” me and offer their “help” straight out says they won’t listen to my defending myself and when I ask them for more info they retract their offer for help, too.
I’m feeling a whole bunch of things here. I want to give more info that I think wasn’t obvious in what I’ve already shared about my sex life and what I’ve been doing. I want to throw insults back at those who have written me and called ME names. I *really* want to know why I even give a shit about what people I don’t know at all think of me.
I doubt that any of the people who have contacted me will even bother to read this. They’ve all declared that my “denial” that I’m in trouble is “proof” that I *am* in trouble. Kind of a catch-22.
I’m not a sex addict. I can see how it *might* seem that way if you really think that I write about ALL of my life on this blog. From the National Council of Sex Addiction:
1. Were you sexually abused as a child or adolescent?
2. Do you regularly purchase romance novels or sexually explicit magazines?
3. Have you stayed in romantic relationships after they become emotionally or physically abusive?
4. Do you often find yourself preoccupied with sexual thoughts or romantic daydreams?
5. Do you feel that your sexual behavior is abnormal?
6. Does your spouse–or intimate partner–ever worry or complain about your sexual behavior?
7. Do you have trouble stopping your sexual behavior when you know it is inappropriate?
8. Do you ever feel guilty about your sexual behavior?
9. Has your sexual behavior ever created problems for you and your family?
10. Did you ever seek help related to your problematic sexual behavior?
11. Have you ever worried about people finding out about your sexual activities?
12. Has anyone been hurt emotionally because of your sexual behavior?
13. Have you ever participated in sexual activity in exchange for money or gifts?
14. Do you have times when you have sex compulsively followed by periods of celibacy (no sex at all)?
15. Have you made efforts to quit a type of sexual activity and failed?
16. Do you hide some of your sexual behavior from people important to you?
17. Do you find yourself having multiple romantic relationships at the same time?
18. Have you ever felt degraded by your sexual behavior?
19. Has sex or romantic fantasies been a way for you to escape your problems?
20. When you have sex, do you feel depressed afterwards?
21. Do you regularly engage in sado-masochistic behavior or fantasies?
22. Has your sexual activity interfered with your family life?
23. Have you been sexual with minors?
24. Do you feel controlled by your sexual desire or fantasies of romance?
25. Do you ever think your sexual desire is stronger than you are?
3 - 4 “yes” responses may indicate an area of concern and should be openly discussed with a friend or family member.
5 - 7 positive answers suggests a need for further assessment of the problem behavior, including the consideration of attending a 12-Step support program such as Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous.
More than 7 “yes” responses indicates a serious struggle with addictive sexual issues with potentially self- abusive and/or dangerous consequences. Should seriously consider professional treatment.
The ONLY yes I have is possibly to #2 because I have a subscription to Playboy. Oh, and #21 and I think that’s a biased question.
So, I’m addicted to napping and to ice cream, but not to sex. (Seriously, though, I DO know what addiction feels like. I’m 5 months smoke-free after 10 years of smoking 1-2 packs a day.)
There also seems to be a MAJOR misunderstanding about both HOW I ended up with this particular group of guys for the gangbang AND about BDSM in general. I’m not sure which to address first…
Hmmm. Ok. The guy who organized the gangbang (GB). I’ve been kind of seeing him regularly. I wouldn’t call him my “boyfriend” and I have the feeling (but, I’m not sure) we’re NOT compatible after all, but that’s besides the point and has nothing to do with our *physical* and *sexual* compatibility (which REALLY sucks, come to think of it, since we are SO compatible THAT way).
He’s sweet. Very kind. Very nice. I’m offended that people are assuming he must be abusive AND that I wouldn’t be able to tell that he is. Which he isn’t.
Anyway, YEARS ago, he formed this group of men who do gangbangs. He has standards for a guy to join the group and most of the men have been “members” for a long time. His absolute number one rule is RESPECT the WOMAN. Is it possible that there will one day be a guy who IS disturbed and violent? Sure, it’s possible that “my” guy would be fooled. But those OTHER seven, eight, nine, whatever, guys who sure as hell stop the bastard from doing harm.
I just can’t emphasize enough how normal and nice and RESPECTFUL these men are. Were they somewhat rough during the sex? Yes and I even said I would have liked it rougher (which I’ll get to…). But afterwards they took care of me and made sure I had anything I needed. Did I add all those details in the story? No, I didn’t think it was “erotic,” but I made the mistake of thinking that some of my regular readers had read my earlier posts. And that they KNEW I needed that kind of aftercare. And there’s no way I’d be *happy* about the experience if I hadn’t gotten it.
BDSM. I have had submissive fantasies since I was approximately five years old. No, I wasn’t abused or anything like that at all. Actually, I just recently went to a talk given by a Domme who says she also had her dominant fantasies since she was a little kid. It’s not uncommon.
Submissive does NOT mean less-than or garbage or worthless, people! Geez. Being into D/s is NOT a psychological disorder. ARE there people who have, well, “issues” who get involved in BDSM? Of course. But that doesn’t mean that being into BDSM means you have “issues!”
Oh, so the roughness. I did say in my post that I did wish they were rougher. Maybe the people who contacted me just assumed that a GB had to be rough to begin with so my asking for more had to mean actual violence?? One person who contacted me suggested that I would continue to want more roughness until I ended up with a damaged colon. LOL! Uhm, no. You ain’t getting anywhere NEAR my ass without MY being in control of that. And I did have to back away from some of the guys who wanted to try anal with me during the GB. Sorry, they were either too big or were going at an angle that wasn’t comfortable for me. I didn’t even have to SAY stop in those cases, I just pulled away from them and that was it. The image I attached here is the motto of people involved in BDSM groups and they take it very seriously. And I AM involved with people in these groups, not just random “unknowns.”
However, I like having my hair pulled. Not pulled OUT, just pulled. I like being pulled onto a guy. I like being bitten. NOT until there’s blood, just little nips. THAT’s what I meant by rougher. And there is NO proof anywhere out there that people into BDSM and slightly masochistic just keep needing more and more. I looked. I actually found studies that state what I just stated. There’s no evidence for it. None.
Oh and to the guy (who I’m almost certain is NOT reading this, oh well) who says I’ll “wake up some morning with zosters all over your beautiful face” needs to do a little research on the different types of herpes viruses and how they’re transmitted. I understood his/her point, but it loses a little something when the basic facts are flawed.
Also, getting off on “humiliation” DURING sex, doesn’t mean you’ll stand for it outside of sex. Yes, I like to be called names and be called a “slut” when I’m having sex. I’m really pissed off at the guy who emailed me and called me that for real. In a very derogatory manner. Who says that I’m ignorant of what I’m doing. And of who I’m spending my time with. He says that ” I’ll venture to say the only men who are following your blog with desires to meet you are the wolves in sheep’s clothing..the ones ready and eager to take advantage of you. They do not give a fuck about you, in any way , shape or form. They are pretenders at best,otherwise they’d have no part in it.” This person by the way specifically did NOT give me permission to quote him. But, he doesn’t have to for me to have the right to do it. I’m so tempted to name him because he’s hurt me very badly. I thought he was a sort-of friend. And he’s the one I want to throw insults at, reflexively. In retaliation.
I absolutely know with no doubt in my head or heart at all that there’s at LEAST one guy who I’ve met with in real life, who reads my blog, who does not feel that way about me. (Hi, friend, if you’re reading this! I hope you know who you are!) I’m pretty sure about some others. And I know that the guy who organized the GB cares for me, too. He doesn’t bring me flowers and go to the movies with me and tolerate my wanting to go places that serve girlie drinks all because I have sex with him. Or not ONLY because of that, anyway.
So, ok? In case anyone IS reading this that’s worried about me and you haven’t written to me, I’m ok. I guess if you really believe that anyone who’s into BDSM or is submissive has psychological problems, then I probably can’t convince you otherwise from here. It’s NOT true that I’m going to keep doing “worse” and “worse” things. I really wanted to try DP and TP and I worked my way up to that. I really wanted to be on film and I worked up to that, too. (Hey, I don’t post about ALL my experiences here!)
There are other things I want to try, but I’m guessing they’ll sound more tame. That doesn’t mean I no longer want to try them. I’d like to masturbate while a guy is sucking my nipples. I’d like to have sex while ALSO using a vibrator on my clit. I want to have sex in front of a mirror. Actually, I think the photos and filming were part of working up to the mirror!
Ok. I’m done explaining. For now.
Oh, feel FREE to argue/disagree/try to convince me I’m wrong. I’m **ALWAYS** open to hearing another’s point of view.
