Another Sex Blog

Girly stuff.  I think.

I love the feeling of ohmygoddoeshelikemecuzilikehim rush feeling.  Unfortunately, that high is always accompanied by the terror that he thinks you’re a complete fucking idiot.  And ugly, too.  But, willing to have sex, so that’s the only reason he’s willing to see you again.

It’s a total high, though, at the same time as it’s a total anxiety attack.

I do not actually believe that guys ever experience this emotion.  I guess I  hope that they do  becuase that would make girls and guys not quite so different, but deep down inside I don’t believe it.

I’m giddy and at the same time ready to be a complete bitch so as not to have my feelings hurt when I find out he just wants to get laid.

On the other hand, the sex is, I have to admit, pretty fucking good.  And even if HE was a complete idiot, which he’s not, he’s definitely hot.  So, I should just enjoy that, no?

My sister is having a wedding ceremony/reception/everything at the same hotel I had my gangbang at.

I’m really afraid that after a few drinks I’m going to giggle uncontrollably. LOL.

She knows in vague generalities about my Adult FriendFinder activities, but not any details. (Just as I don’t really want any details about her sex life!)

I just know there’s going to be a point when I have to tell her I had an “Adult FriendFinder experience” at that hotel…

I should probably be embarrassed, but right now it’s just making me laugh.

… including me.

I can’t say I’m exactly the same as I was before my health took a turn for the worse, but I’m much much better than I have been for the last few months.

I’m ready to very slowly get back into the world of Adult FriendFinder.

Hmmm… I really thought I had more to say right now, but I guess I don’t. Just, like I said, I’m not entirely back to the same me, but I am, at least, back.

And I’m going to read every single one of the emails that have been sitting in my inbox at AFF all this time. I wonder how long that will take. Any bets?

Not that I really really truly think anyone’s noticed, but I think this past week (or more?) has been the longest that I haven’t logged into Adult FriendFinder since I first became a paying member!  More than 2 weeks.

In the last month or so:
I’ve gotten a new perk at work that has pissed off a lot of my co-workers and therefore both pleased me and stressed me out.
I’ve fallen down a flight of stairs, scraped a significant amount of skin off of my shins, and chipped my shin bone.
For some reason my hypothyroidism is acting up and I need an increase in my meds, but can’t get a dr. appt till next month. Argh. (Kills the sex drive, too!)  Also makes me spacey (often referred to as “brain fog”) and completely wiped out.

Oh hell, there’s even more, but those are the highlights. The thyroid thing is just making everything else, good or bad, magnified. Luckily, I know (or think I know) that it’s probably fixable.

One month.

I can’t wait to be back to my old self again!

…bother? I wonder.

I like sex. I like casual sex. Why do guys feel like they have to pretend that it’s more than that and then make me feel like shit?

Is there something *wrong* with wanting just sex?

Apparently there is if one is a chick.

This time: he was from out of town. likely never gonna see him again. obviously a one time thing.

Nice “date” — meeting to find out if we were at least attracted to one another in real life.

Sex. GOOD sex. For me anyway. Can’t swear it was for him. I had multiple orgasms, though, so good for me by far.

Afterwards? He’s an ass. I don’t think it’s really necessary to go into details because this has happened other times, too, in different forms.

Why? Seriously. I just don’t understand. Why do guys feel the NEED to be an ass? I make it quite clear that I’m NOT one of the kinds of girls that is going to glom onto them just cuz we had sex (and I don’t mean to stereotype other women in saying that, but that IS a preconceived notion out there.)

I know I’m not even expressing this the way I mean to cuz I’m pissed off right now as I’m writing it. I write better when I’m more level headed.

Fuck it though.

You know?

But, yeah, now I’m looking for a relationship of some sort. Let’s call it a friends-with-benefits-with-potential.

That’s something I have in my profile. Most of the guys I’ve actually met up with IRL seem to have understood what I meant by that — so that’s good.

What’s not good, is that I’m not sure what to do when it becomes clear that there’s no longer any potential. When it just becomes clear that an LTR just ain’t gonna happen. What then?

It’s not so much of a problem when it’s pretty clear after just one meeting. It’s more difficult to break things off when it goes beyond that.

There’s one guy I’ve met via Adult FriendFinder that really IS a FWB. I know we’re never going to have a romantic relationship or even anything long term. Some day he’s going to find a “real” girlfriend and, since he doesn’t believe in open relationship or being poly, our benefits part will go away. And I’m really ok with that. With him. He’s the exception.

Because I *am* looking for an LTR. But only if it’s right. I’m much happier being “single” than being in a relationship JUST to be in a relationship. (Look up “quirkyalone” for a much better description of that than I can explain.)

So, anyway, when it becomes clear to me that I just can’t see myself in a deeper relationship with someone I’ve met, I don’t see the point in continuing things. lol. I haven’t come across sex that’s *THAT* good yet, anyway. And while it’s NOT true in the real world that any woman can get laid any time she wants (a topic for another post sometime), it IS true here on Adult FriendFinder. So, it’s not like I’d keep seeing someone just because it might be my only chance for sex.

In one case when this happened — no, two cases — neither of us contacted the other again. This was after multiple meetings. It wasn’t even like we had a fight or disagreement. It just stopped.

Right now I have more than one… argh, what do I even call it?… friendships with benefits withOUT potential that I need to cut off. Even though they probably feel the same way, at least that’s been my experience so far, it makes for an uncomfortable feeling.

I feel like I might hurt their feelings. I’m afraid they’ll think that’s awfully egotistical of me to think that it would matter to them.

I’m sure it seems absurd to some here that I’m hoping for a so-called REAL relationship (though not traditional by any means).

I am, though. I can’t spend my friday and saturday nights with people who I *know* I won’t want to be hanging out with a year from now.

Just venting. Thanks for listening. As Always.

I’m right in the middle of a major bout of depression. I do take anti-depressants (actually, go see some of my very first posts explaining how the one I’m on led to me being here…), but antidepressants do NOT, like people think, just make you happy all the time. They do make it so that I’m not depressed ALL the time, and when a bout comes on, I’m able to be aware of the fact that it’s temporary.

I know there are probably people who think, oh, so she gets depressed, must have low self-esteem, that must be why she “acts out” sexually. No. The opposite, is closer to the truth. It’s when I’m happy and feeling good about myself that I’m most active on AFF. I’m really writing and explaining this on this blog just to kind of announce that I’m gonna be pretty INactive on here for a while… til it passes.

I realized I was trying to stay absolutely still. Barely breathing. Not twitching. Just. Still.

I was holding back from cumming. Staying right on the edge of it.

If I reacted TOO much then he might stop. It’s not that I had any reason, really, to think that, but I did.

I think that, in my experience, when I start really reacting to something, the guy assumes I’m ready for something else. Usually fucking. And stops doing whatever was driving me wild.

I can’t describe exactly what he was doing because when I’m that much in pleasurality (yes, I did just make up that word) I can’t focus on such details. My nipples were in his mouth. I think his fingers may have been playing with my clit. Yes, I know they were because at one point I did make a comment that it was like there was an electrical connection between my nipple and my clit. His response to that was “No.” I have no idea what that meant, but it wasn’t about to ask at the time.

I swear, I’m getting turned on again thinking about how good it felt.

I was just SO afraid it would STOP.

I really do have a very difficult time *accepting* pleasure. I adore giving it. I can, as I’ve mentioned before in this blog, CUM while sucking cock.

I once dated a guy who would get super turned on and almost cum by eating me out. That was the only way I could relax and enjoy it.

I need to find someone who will get that way while playing with or sucking on my nipples. THAT would truly be Nirvana.

But, this recent experience was pretty close.

I think my profile makes it fairly clear that I like being somewhat submissive. I like being told what to do. I like feeling that I’m used and giving my partner pleasure.

But, that doesn’t mean I’m selfless. (Is that the absence of selfishness?) I like being submissive because it makes me feel good.

I like direct pleasure, too, though.

Friday night I went out with a really great guy. Really great. I mean, even if I just met him somewhere “normal” and, hell, he was totally unavailable. Married. Or gay. I would still love to talk with him.

Forget pampered sub. My nipples were pampered. My nipples were very very happy. I love just being caressed and groped. Most of the time, when a guy starts just playing with my nipples, it means “hey, lets go have sex.” And as soon as I start reacting to it, the attention much stops.

So, it was just that much more pleasurable to be pleasured and not feel like it was *only* an invitation to sex. Well, to be honest, I did still feel like that, but mostly because that’s always been my experience. Not because of anything he said or did.

I really hope to see him again.

I MEAN it! No more. I really really need to put that in my profile somewhere. And it never occurs to me to ask before meeting up with someone…

I just have to stop meeting men who own cats.

I’m *horribly* allergic to them. They make me cry. Literally.

Stupid. Dumb. Evil evil evil. Cats.

OTOH, one of my favorite Adult FriendFinder encounters *was* with a guy who had a cat… actually, I even liked his cat. I liked the sex enough (and the cat’s personality enough) that I returned to his place even after the cat once decided to wake me up by sitting on my face.

So, maybe I should just make sure that from now on I always carry Claritin in my purse. Kind of like I always have condoms in there, too. Just in case.