Another Sex Blog

4 1/2 times. That’s how often I’ve had guys cancel their plans with me this past week.

The 1/2 is because one was actually a guy who was supposed to get back to me about making plans for this week and didn’t.

On the other hand, I had one last-minute surprise rendez-vous that was *very* satisfying.

Eh, it’s amazing how timing is so influential in this kind of thing. Even in who I decide to email back from emails I get on AFF. A *huge* factor is my mood when I’m reading the emails, if I’ve gotten a lot of similar emails in a row, or if I haven’t. It feels very random sometimes. So, maybe it’s not really fair for the fourth guy who cancelled, but the fact that 3 (and a half) had done the same in the previous seven days makes my reaction different than it would be at a different time.

I’ve been lackadaisical recently because I’ve got a full plate. But, I’m thinking I need to knock these guys off rotation. Don’t you think so? Time to make room for some newbies.

I read a lot. Really, lots and lots. A pretty wide variety of kinds of books, too. Included in that are lots of books about sex. Erotica, instruction, psychological, sociological. All kinds.

Yeah, I read those self-help, how-to ones that are more about dating than sex, too.

He’s Just Not That Into You. It’s brilliant. Really. It’s definitely written for women; I think if a guy read it he’d think, “Well, duh, isn’t this all obvious? You had to buy and read about to know this stuff???”

Well, yes. That’s the problem. Even if a guy is doing (or not doing) all kinds of things that really should make it clear he’s “not that into you” a lot of women still need to be smacked over the head.

I read the book a long time ago, when it first came out and I vaguely remember thinking it was spot on then, too. However I’d forgotten that I owned it and came across it yesterday. Kind of in the same vein that women (ok, I) need to be smacked over the head sometimes, it’s a good book to re-read periodically.

Of course, really accepting that a guy isn’t into you can be ego-crushing. Not something to think about too much if you’re already in a low self esteem mood. Luckily, I have at least three guys who are very generous in their compliments to me which make me feel all good about myself. (No, it’s not *only* compliments from others that make me feel good about myself; I’m more psychologically stable than that. But, they sure help!) So, the other potentials that have done (or not done) these “not into you” things… I can shrug it off easier.

Can someone tell my why the hell it’s snowing at the end of MARCH????

Last night I met up with someone I’d met with, via AdultFriendFinder, approximately 2 years ago. ( See Thank you and I’m sorry for what I wrote about the experience then. )

We met at the hotel he was staying at. I got there early, not being sure how traffic or parking would be, so I sat at the bar with a magazine. Which in itself was fun. The bartender was friendly and the drink was great. I didn’t feel at all odd being a woman alone sitting and reading. I read online that that bar is a popular after work place to go; maybe I’ll make my way there sometime.

Anyway, we found that the hotel’s restaurant was closed so we got the concierge to get us into another restaurant… I didn’t find out until today that it’s really difficult to get reservations for the place we ended up going. The food was great. We were seated in a bar area, instead of “regular” tables, but the atmosphere was perfect for catching up/ intimate conversation. I kind of wish that I didn’t feel so reluctant to give out details — otherwise I’d recommend the restaurant to other Chicagoans. Also, now I know that if there’s some restaurant I really want to try I should walk into a snazzy hotel and get the concierge to call for me!

Back to the hotel and down to business. lol.

I completely lost track of how many times I came. It was a lot. There wasn’t one touch he gave me that wasn’t pleasurable.

I’ve had a full-body massage once. It was ok. Not anywhere near the bliss that I’ve heard others describe a massage as being. THIS was like that, though. I could go into detail of what happened first, what came next, etc… but I feel like there’s no way I could really get across what it was like.

His real talent, I believe, lies in being able to read my body language and reactions. I assume he can do this with other women as well. But there’s an additional key to this… there’s something about him that makes me trust him enough to have my reactions by honest. I hold back sometimes with other guys for fear of being judged somehow. I’d love to learn how he learned all that. If he even knows.

Thanks for another fabulous experience. I really needed it, too.

Is it possible to have a bad mood virus??? If so, I swear I caught it last week and it’s just now fading away.

I was super emotional for a lot of last week. I started tearing up reading one of the PostSecret books. (If you haven’t visited that site or read any of the books… please do. They’re great. They probably won’t make you cry. lol.) I started crying over some commercial. I can’t even remember which one it was, but it was NOT supposed to be a tearjerker even. I can’t even blame it all on PMS. It was just weird.

My last post on Saturday was a result of being in a bad mood to begin with and then being blown off by someone I thought I had plans with. And encountering some rude people while I was out. And also dropping my purse in a huge puddle so that everything got soaked. My wallet is a mesh envelope, so all my money was soggy. And my notebook that I carry with me that I use for everything from quick notes to journal entries. All of that together made me a pretty miserable person.

That in turn made me come across, I’m pretty sure, to the blower-offer as a completely insane psycho stalker. It’s too hard to explain without giving details that would make either one of us identifiable; sorry to be so cryptic. *sigh*

I’m still feeling down on myself. On the other hand, some of the stuff that was in my purse is still damp. Maybe there’s a connection.

I have, sometimes, very strong emotions. Luckily they also seem to pass rather quickly. I’m able to say to myself, “Ok, I feel like shit and like my life is shit, but just calm down, in a day or two I’ll feel differently.” You’d think that knowing that things will seem different in a few days would speed up the process, but it doesn’t. It seems to take some time for the messages from my head to travel to my heart. (That sounds so sappy and by “heart”, I don’t mean to imply this has to do with my love life… just emotional life.)

Oh, and I’m definitely addicted to AFF. There’s no question. I had my profile turned off for only approximately 24 hours before I just had to turn it back on. Is there a support group out there somewhere?

I’ve often described myself as a cynical optimist. Meaning I always expect everything to work out, but it never does.

I’m SO tired of being an optimist. Up until, and sometimes even past, the last second, I expect things to turn around and turn out the way I wanted. It hurts a lot for that not to happen. Over and over again and again.

I don’t want to have anything to do with other humans anymore. Other than, obviously, what is necessary to continue living. So work relationships, only within work and not socially, are necessary. Family is, too, if you’re aware of my living situation. And I eat out a lot, so basic decency to those who work in the service professions is a necessity, too. Other than that, bye bye.

I can’t handle being mediocre. It’s too complicated to explain, but I just had an epiphany tonight that I really am no different from the masses. Duh. I realize that probably sounds SO arrogant to anyone reading this. It’s true, though. I actually, deep down, believed that I was somehow special. The Lake Wobegon effect. I can’t deal with the fact that I’m not spectacular in looks or smarts or personality. I’m not really any different from the “psycho” chicks that I’ve made fun of all my life. Even if only in my head.

I suppose that even writing this blog post is kind of an example of my cynical optimism. I expect it to make everything alright, but I really really know that it won’t.

I wish I could explain this better.

I need to give up. So, I am.

Good bye.

I’ve written once before about being recognized here Adult FriendFinder by someone I know IRL.

(totally unrelated aside: Again, I’m blogging while watching tv… why do I think it’s kind of hot when a guy gets all worked up and pissed off during an encounter with an ex-wife. Just on tv. Never actually had the experience otherwise. Weird.)

I don’t really mind if someone I know sees me on here and recognizes me. I mean, first of all, most people that know me wouldn’t be surprised by it at all. Second, how judgmental could they BE? They’re on AFF, too!

I’ve been a little more worried about someone seeing me on the street, in a store, in a restaurant, etc., and realizing that I’m [username on AFF]. I’ve thought about how I’d react if someone approached me. I can be sure of how I’d really react, but I think if the person was polite, respectful, nice, I’d be kind of flattered that my profile had stuck in their mind enough for them to recognize me. So, what I’m really worried about (”really” meaning “truthfuly”, not “very”) is someone being NOT respectful. Being rude. Basically being presumptuous. Lol. Actually, I’m pretty sure I know how I’d react to that, too, but I’ll keep that my own little secret.

What has happened recently, more than once, is my being recognized as [username on AFF] on other sites where I have a presence under another username.

So. I’ve had people contact me on these other sites saying they’ve realized I’m [username on AFF]. I’ve also had emails sent to me on my so-called throwaway email address I have that’s related to my name there. That one really amazes me. I only check that email once a month or less. It’s like a junk email address for me. It’s *not* the one I give out to people there if we ever get to the point of off-Adult FriendFinder communication. So, I can only assume that those emails (there’s been about four, I think) are sent by guys who don’t have a paid membership there and are trying to find a way to email me for free.

That’s kind of a pet peeve of mine. I am so completely not a gold-digger. I don’t care at all about how much money a guy makes. Except if it’s way way more than me… that actually makes me uncomfortable. BUT. I’m a girl — I could get emails on there without paying. I’m a *librarian*; I’m not swimming in expendable income. I have a paying membership there because I’m serious about it. Ok, sorry, end of rant.

I’m not sure how I feel about this kind of recognition. There’s no strong feeling about it, positive or negative. For the record, the people who have contacted me in one of these other ways have been of the first sort that I mentioned above — polite, nice, flattering. And that really is how the vast majority of contact I’ve had have been, btw. All the complaints that you hear from women about the guys who are assholes doesn’t mean that the *majority* of guys are like that. It’s just that there too many that are.

If you’ve read my last post, here’s an update. I’ve been expecting to hear from the guy who I have a crush on and haven’t. I’m pretty sure I’m being blown off at this point. I’ve already decided that if our not-definite plan to meet up tonight doesn’t come to fruition, I’m still going to get all gussied up like I was looking forward to. I’m going out to some swanky restaurant or bar. And I’m gonna flirt like hell.

So, if you see me out there tonight and recognize me. Be nice, ok?

Crushes are only fun for, oh, a day. Or two. Then owwwww, painful.

Here’s my reality. I’ve got about four guys “in” my life. This whole internet dating thing is… well, it’s a lot more complicated than the normal dating that one learns about on tv/ in movies / in books!

Except for one of the four guys, I’m not sure that any of *them* would consider *themselves* to be “in” my life. There’s a possibility that each one of them reads this blog, too, but I’m not positive about that either.

So, that makes my blogging about my crush touchy. If all 4 of the guys read this and see that I have a crush on one of them, some of them might be glad to think it’s them, some not. ARrrrrrgh.

Anyway, that’s just an intro/background info.

I just need to get it out that I’m crushing. It’s really a reminder about how it’s really the in person, face to face meeting that determines whether two people are going to connect or not. I could get along perfectly with someone and yet… if there’s not that chemistry, there’s really no point, is there?

I feel like people, a lot of people, think that chemistry thing is just a myth. But, when you meet someone and WOW can’t stop thinking about them and get all fluttery. It’s like the slight lift in mood coffee can give you. But then, too much, and you get all jittery.

If I knew he felt the same way than the giddiness would last a lot longer. I’ve experienced that before, too. But, of course, in this state it’s impossible to not read too much into everything even if your logical brain says not to. So, I’m going nuts because I’m reading into the so-called signs that he’s just-not-into-me. Or maybe I’m wrong. I keep going back and forth. Highs and lows.

Then there’s the other guys. Every one of them knows that I see other guys. That I’m still on this site and others.

Once more, I’ve lost what my point was really going to be for this blog. Maybe I shouldn’t watch tv while blogging. lol.

I need a daisy. *pluck a petal* He likes me. *pluck a petal* he likes me not.

Arrrrrrrrrghhhhhh.

Hate this feeling.