It is not often spoken, but there is a huge distinction between how men and women behave in the dating game. The risk of rejection is primarily on men. We are the ones who have to ask women out. We are the ones who have to propose marriage. We are the ones who risk getting shot down.

That is not an insignificant thing.

Being rejected can suck. Men will often ask a women out, not because they are interested in a woman, but because they really AREN’T that interested. If they really don’t care one way or another, there is no harm in getting shot down. They can get some without any risk. Likewise, if they really do like a woman, they may be more apt to take their time or less likely to risk rejection

Women assume that if they are getting hit on, it is because the guy in interested in them. This is why so many women get stuck with assholes. Why models complain about not getting dates. Why the guys you want to have ask you out never do. Because most women would rather never date someone than accept the risk of rejection themselves.

I totally relate to your sense of frustration with AFF. I, too, had a very detailed profile and spent a couple hundred dollars with a silver membership over the course of two years. I met two couples there in all that time and I still never found what I was looking for. I also placed ads on CL, and felt like NSA and FWB weren’t what I was looking for either. I’d advertise myself as looking for an “open relationship” and 99 out 100 men just didn’t “get it”. It’s so hard to be a woman who is looking for more than that, but not monogamy (which feels like chains to me). I really do hope that you find what you’re looking for.

If it’s just sex, how is it different than swinging? If it isn’t just sex, then I don’t think many guys (or women for that matter) will really put any effort into something they know from the outset isn’t really going to go anywhere.

Do you define monogamy as having sex with only one person, or having a “relationship” with only one person?

Yeah, open relationship is what I’m looking for basically too. Monogomy — blech. I’d *really* like it if the guy actually got off on my having sex with other guys, too, though. And yes, guys like that ARE out there! I just haven’t found the right one yet.

Good luck to you, too!

The fact that you say there’s a fine line between FWB and an open relationship means that you don’t really get either. (Damn, that sounds insulting, and I don’t mean it to be… both of those thing just aren’t made for everyone.)