Watching myself
I think I mentioned that the GB I was in was filmed. I just got to see the DVD today. I don’t think I’ve seen myself filmed since the films relatives took at holiday times when my cousins and I were little kids!
It’s weird.
My observations about myself:
I have a really girlish voice. It has a definite innocent girl quality to it. Who knew?
My tummy doesn’t look nearly as big as it seems to look to me when I look in the mirror. I’m thin and petite, though curvy, but I’m far from having a flat stomach. Anyway, nice to know it doesn’t stick out as much as I thought.
I’ve been told by guys that I have a nice butt. (And occassionally by women that I have a BIG butt!) One doesn’t really get to see one’s butt that much, you know! So. My ass. Is definitely round. And I can see why “ass guys” seem to be attracted to me. Which always bothers me, cuz I’d *really* like “tits guys” to be attracted to me since the best thing in the world is to have my nipples played with. 
Ah, I digress.
Wait — I have the DVD playing, actually, as I write this. I take back *some* of what I wrote about my tummy / belly / stomach. I may never have sex on my back with my legs thrown over a guys shoulders again. Yuck! Every other position ok, though.
Oh, and I remind me of someone. I mean, like some actress. I’ve been told that I resemble Bjork and Audrey Tautou. But I don’t think that’s who I remind *me* of. This is a *really* weird feeling to see myself and tape and think … oh *who* is that she reminds me of…? It’s that young and innocent thing again, though. SO weird.
I said before that I didn’t totally remember the temporal sequence of some things from the GB. And I was right. There are a few times where I distinctly remember something happening, but I had no idea they happened at the same time. Or not at the same time.
Ok, so this post is *really* self-absorbed, but I’m just so fascinated by this. I don’t feel like that’s what I look like or sound like. It’s like when I see myself in group photos with my friends and realize that I’m A LOT shorter than they are. I don’t feel shorter than them when we’re together, but I so obviously am! Even though people tell me all the time that I seem “younger” than my age AND that I’m “petite” I have a hard time seeing myself that way. But, now I can see it.
Weird wierd wierd.
In a good way.
September 1st, 2006 at 10:41 am
Wow. You had a “deviant” sexual experience that was fun, educational, enlightening, and made you feel sexy as hell.
How messed up are you!
Just kidding.
I’m really just posting to congratulate you on the bold move you made to stop worrying about what other people think your sex life should be like, and to say “This is what I want” for yourself.
Not a lot of people can do that. In fact, most can’t. I’ve done some things myself that most people would say, “You should be ashamed!” and yet, I can’t do that. Or rather, I won’t.
I’ve said before that sex is empowering, and the Holy Terrors and other prudes can’t have people being empowered. If people are empowered, they can’t be controlled. And the most effective way to control someone else is through shame.
Hope you continue to enjoy that sense of empowerment you’re feeling. Reading through your posts, it looks like the people who’ve criticized you think you’re this passive, submissive, easily bullied, easily exploited, delicate flower, just a punching bag to be knocked around with big throbbing phallic symbols.
I see someone different. You sound like someone who’s taken charge of her sexual situation, and that takes guts.
Congratulations.
P.S. Thanks for the post about sexual addiction and the “test.” I’ll have to check that myself. I’ve got a feeling I’m a hopeless case.