Another Sex Blog

I think I mentioned that the GB I was in was filmed. I just got to see the DVD today. I don’t think I’ve seen myself filmed since the films relatives took at holiday times when my cousins and I were little kids!

It’s weird.

My observations about myself:

I have a really girlish voice. It has a definite innocent girl quality to it. Who knew?

My tummy doesn’t look nearly as big as it seems to look to me when I look in the mirror. I’m thin and petite, though curvy, but I’m far from having a flat stomach. Anyway, nice to know it doesn’t stick out as much as I thought.

I’ve been told by guys that I have a nice butt. (And occassionally by women that I have a BIG butt!) One doesn’t really get to see one’s butt that much, you know! So. My ass. Is definitely round. And I can see why “ass guys” seem to be attracted to me. Which always bothers me, cuz I’d *really* like “tits guys” to be attracted to me since the best thing in the world is to have my nipples played with. Ah, I digress.

Wait — I have the DVD playing, actually, as I write this. I take back *some* of what I wrote about my tummy / belly / stomach. I may never have sex on my back with my legs thrown over a guys shoulders again. Yuck! Every other position ok, though.

Oh, and I remind me of someone. I mean, like some actress. I’ve been told that I resemble Bjork and Audrey Tautou. But I don’t think that’s who I remind *me* of. This is a *really* weird feeling to see myself and tape and think … oh *who* is that she reminds me of…? It’s that young and innocent thing again, though. SO weird.

I said before that I didn’t totally remember the temporal sequence of some things from the GB. And I was right. There are a few times where I distinctly remember something happening, but I had no idea they happened at the same time. Or not at the same time.

Ok, so this post is *really* self-absorbed, but I’m just so fascinated by this. I don’t feel like that’s what I look like or sound like. It’s like when I see myself in group photos with my friends and realize that I’m A LOT shorter than they are. I don’t feel shorter than them when we’re together, but I so obviously am! Even though people tell me all the time that I seem “younger” than my age AND that I’m “petite” I have a hard time seeing myself that way. But, now I can see it.

Weird wierd wierd.

In a good way.

Wow.

I am simply amazed at some of the responses I’ve gotten to my posting about the gangbang.

Apparantly, I’m now psychologically damaged, a sex addict, on my way to a drug habit, have horribly low self-esteem, and am going to end up bloody and beaten. In an alley, no less.

And each person that writes to “warn” me and offer their “help” straight out says they won’t listen to my defending myself and when I ask them for more info they retract their offer for help, too.

I’m feeling a whole bunch of things here. I want to give more info that I think wasn’t obvious in what I’ve already shared about my sex life and what I’ve been doing. I want to throw insults back at those who have written me and called ME names. I *really* want to know why I even give a shit about what people I don’t know at all think of me.

I doubt that any of the people who have contacted me will even bother to read this. They’ve all declared that my “denial” that I’m in trouble is “proof” that I *am* in trouble. Kind of a catch-22.

I’m not a sex addict. I can see how it *might* seem that way if you really think that I write about ALL of my life on this blog. From the National Council of Sex Addiction:

1. Were you sexually abused as a child or adolescent?
2. Do you regularly purchase romance novels or sexually explicit magazines?
3. Have you stayed in romantic relationships after they become emotionally or physically abusive?
4. Do you often find yourself preoccupied with sexual thoughts or romantic daydreams?
5. Do you feel that your sexual behavior is abnormal?
6. Does your spouse–or intimate partner–ever worry or complain about your sexual behavior?
7. Do you have trouble stopping your sexual behavior when you know it is inappropriate?
8. Do you ever feel guilty about your sexual behavior?
9. Has your sexual behavior ever created problems for you and your family?
10. Did you ever seek help related to your problematic sexual behavior?
11. Have you ever worried about people finding out about your sexual activities?
12. Has anyone been hurt emotionally because of your sexual behavior?
13. Have you ever participated in sexual activity in exchange for money or gifts?
14. Do you have times when you have sex compulsively followed by periods of celibacy (no sex at all)?
15. Have you made efforts to quit a type of sexual activity and failed?
16. Do you hide some of your sexual behavior from people important to you?
17. Do you find yourself having multiple romantic relationships at the same time?
18. Have you ever felt degraded by your sexual behavior?
19. Has sex or romantic fantasies been a way for you to escape your problems?
20. When you have sex, do you feel depressed afterwards?
21. Do you regularly engage in sado-masochistic behavior or fantasies?
22. Has your sexual activity interfered with your family life?
23. Have you been sexual with minors?
24. Do you feel controlled by your sexual desire or fantasies of romance?
25. Do you ever think your sexual desire is stronger than you are?

3 - 4 “yes” responses may indicate an area of concern and should be openly discussed with a friend or family member.
5 - 7 positive answers suggests a need for further assessment of the problem behavior, including the consideration of attending a 12-Step support program such as Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous.
More than 7 “yes” responses indicates a serious struggle with addictive sexual issues with potentially self- abusive and/or dangerous consequences. Should seriously consider professional treatment.

The ONLY yes I have is possibly to #2 because I have a subscription to Playboy. Oh, and #21 and I think that’s a biased question.

So, I’m addicted to napping and to ice cream, but not to sex. (Seriously, though, I DO know what addiction feels like. I’m 5 months smoke-free after 10 years of smoking 1-2 packs a day.)

There also seems to be a MAJOR misunderstanding about both HOW I ended up with this particular group of guys for the gangbang AND about BDSM in general. I’m not sure which to address first…

Hmmm. Ok. The guy who organized the gangbang (GB). I’ve been kind of seeing him regularly. I wouldn’t call him my “boyfriend” and I have the feeling (but, I’m not sure) we’re NOT compatible after all, but that’s besides the point and has nothing to do with our *physical* and *sexual* compatibility (which REALLY sucks, come to think of it, since we are SO compatible THAT way).

He’s sweet. Very kind. Very nice. I’m offended that people are assuming he must be abusive AND that I wouldn’t be able to tell that he is. Which he isn’t.

Anyway, YEARS ago, he formed this group of men who do gangbangs. He has standards for a guy to join the group and most of the men have been “members” for a long time. His absolute number one rule is RESPECT the WOMAN. Is it possible that there will one day be a guy who IS disturbed and violent? Sure, it’s possible that “my” guy would be fooled. But those OTHER seven, eight, nine, whatever, guys who sure as hell stop the bastard from doing harm.

I just can’t emphasize enough how normal and nice and RESPECTFUL these men are. Were they somewhat rough during the sex? Yes and I even said I would have liked it rougher (which I’ll get to…). But afterwards they took care of me and made sure I had anything I needed. Did I add all those details in the story? No, I didn’t think it was “erotic,” but I made the mistake of thinking that some of my regular readers had read my earlier posts. And that they KNEW I needed that kind of aftercare. And there’s no way I’d be *happy* about the experience if I hadn’t gotten it.

BDSM. I have had submissive fantasies since I was approximately five years old. No, I wasn’t abused or anything like that at all. Actually, I just recently went to a talk given by a Domme who says she also had her dominant fantasies since she was a little kid. It’s not uncommon.

Submissive does NOT mean less-than or garbage or worthless, people! Geez. Being into D/s is NOT a psychological disorder. ARE there people who have, well, “issues” who get involved in BDSM? Of course. But that doesn’t mean that being into BDSM means you have “issues!”

Oh, so the roughness. I did say in my post that I did wish they were rougher. Maybe the people who contacted me just assumed that a GB had to be rough to begin with so my asking for more had to mean actual violence?? One person who contacted me suggested that I would continue to want more roughness until I ended up with a damaged colon. LOL! Uhm, no. You ain’t getting anywhere NEAR my ass without MY being in control of that. And I did have to back away from some of the guys who wanted to try anal with me during the GB. Sorry, they were either too big or were going at an angle that wasn’t comfortable for me. I didn’t even have to SAY stop in those cases, I just pulled away from them and that was it. The image I attached here is the motto of people involved in BDSM groups and they take it very seriously. And I AM involved with people in these groups, not just random “unknowns.”

However, I like having my hair pulled. Not pulled OUT, just pulled. I like being pulled onto a guy. I like being bitten. NOT until there’s blood, just little nips. THAT’s what I meant by rougher. And there is NO proof anywhere out there that people into BDSM and slightly masochistic just keep needing more and more. I looked. I actually found studies that state what I just stated. There’s no evidence for it. None.

Oh and to the guy (who I’m almost certain is NOT reading this, oh well) who says I’ll “wake up some morning with zosters all over your beautiful face” needs to do a little research on the different types of herpes viruses and how they’re transmitted. I understood his/her point, but it loses a little something when the basic facts are flawed.

Also, getting off on “humiliation” DURING sex, doesn’t mean you’ll stand for it outside of sex. Yes, I like to be called names and be called a “slut” when I’m having sex. I’m really pissed off at the guy who emailed me and called me that for real. In a very derogatory manner. Who says that I’m ignorant of what I’m doing. And of who I’m spending my time with. He says that ” I’ll venture to say the only men who are following your blog with desires to meet you are the wolves in sheep’s clothing..the ones ready and eager to take advantage of you. They do not give a fuck about you, in any way , shape or form. They are pretenders at best,otherwise they’d have no part in it.” This person by the way specifically did NOT give me permission to quote him. But, he doesn’t have to for me to have the right to do it. I’m so tempted to name him because he’s hurt me very badly. I thought he was a sort-of friend. And he’s the one I want to throw insults at, reflexively. In retaliation.

I absolutely know with no doubt in my head or heart at all that there’s at LEAST one guy who I’ve met with in real life, who reads my blog, who does not feel that way about me. (Hi, friend, if you’re reading this! I hope you know who you are!) I’m pretty sure about some others. And I know that the guy who organized the GB cares for me, too. He doesn’t bring me flowers and go to the movies with me and tolerate my wanting to go places that serve girlie drinks all because I have sex with him. Or not ONLY because of that, anyway.

So, ok? In case anyone IS reading this that’s worried about me and you haven’t written to me, I’m ok. I guess if you really believe that anyone who’s into BDSM or is submissive has psychological problems, then I probably can’t convince you otherwise from here. It’s NOT true that I’m going to keep doing “worse” and “worse” things. I really wanted to try DP and TP and I worked my way up to that. I really wanted to be on film and I worked up to that, too. (Hey, I don’t post about ALL my experiences here!)

There are other things I want to try, but I’m guessing they’ll sound more tame. That doesn’t mean I no longer want to try them. I’d like to masturbate while a guy is sucking my nipples. I’d like to have sex while ALSO using a vibrator on my clit. I want to have sex in front of a mirror. Actually, I think the photos and filming were part of working up to the mirror!

Ok. I’m done explaining. For now.

Oh, feel FREE to argue/disagree/try to convince me I’m wrong. I’m **ALWAYS** open to hearing another’s point of view.

WHY do people go out of their way to say things to make another person feel badly? I mean, really, if it’s gonna take all that effort to do it, why not just say nothing at all and let it go?

I have accounts all over the damn web. Apparently, if you’re *PSYCHO* and have WAY too much time on your hands, you can track down my various accounts. (Wondering how much time it took this guy to do that.)

Anyway. I have accounts/profiles on match and on my space (along with quite a few other sites.) This morning I got an email on my space which just ruined my day. He, the sender, berated me for the activities I’ve been engaging in and posting about here. Now, understand, I do NOT feel bad about myself or about what I’ve been up to. He says in his email “you’re not garbage.” Yeah, no shit I’m not, fuckhead. (Oops, did I say that out loud?) But I find it extremely depressing that someone would take all this time to track me down to a site where they could write to me for free — cheapass — and then write a LONG email telling me how disturbed I am. I KNOW that a lot of people out there would/do disapprove of my choices. Do they need to tell me about it? I’m bordering on atheism. Do I go track down religious people and tell them what a huge mistake they’re making with their life wasting them time on such nonsense? (For those of you reading who ARE religious, no that’s not how I feel about it/you. I could be wrong and you could be right and EVEN IF I’m right and you’re wrong, I don’t see what right I would have to try to make you feel badly. That would just make me MEAN.)

Why do my posts always end up so much longer than I expect them to when I start them?

So, here’s the letter I got from Joe Kickass, who according to his profile there is a 30 year old guy from Chicago, on my space.

Oh, and the line he mentions about my mentioning sex in my G-rated profile is this: “I love talking about and reading about sex. (I want to say “in an intellectual way”, but that sounds so pretentious and I can’t think of a better way to say it… oh, well, guess I said “intellectual” anyway.) Do NOT take that as an invitation to send me crude come-ons. However, also realize that if the topic of sex makes you uncomfortable, I will probably make you uncomfortable sooner or later.”

Date: Jul 6, 2006 10:48 PM
Subject: Concern
Hello,

I felt compelled enough to sign-up on this website just to write you. I actually saw your profile on Match and thought we had a lot in common (hobbies, music, interests, religion (well, lack of believing in it), etc.). You were very articulate (it’s better than the typical profiles that are written all in caps and broken English), and of course, I thought you looked very attractive. But, I got to the paragraph about the sex discussion, which I thought was unusual. That kind of stopped me in my tracks, but I still kept your profile in mind just in case I changed my mind.

Being the pessimist that I am, I actually look on other websites and do other searches on the Internet to see if the same people that I’d like to write have profiles elsewhere (also, it is free to write people on some of these other websites). Many of these websites are written poorly enough that I could just pull up all the content and photos without even logging in. I also think Match.com sucks as far the content they’re asking members to input… most people cannot even string a few sentences together let alone fill in all of the blank areas the websites leave for text. Now, I mentioned pessimist since I actually look for a little more than what people want to share on Match. I have already had a few experiences where the women I was in contact with (or dated) were completely different than who they claimed to be. I don’t even want to waste my time on someone that cannot be honest with me from the beginning.

Well, as it turned out, I saw a profile on AdultFriendinder.com that somewhat matched up to what you had posted on Match. I at first thought you posted a profile as a joke, but I was shocked at what you have been doing… so much so that it made me feel really bad for you. Even though we don’t know one another at all (although, it is possible since I’m right around Park Ridge), I could see that you do not realize what you’re getting into… you might not even understand why you want to be involved with those activities. By no means do I think are you probably going to listen to anything I say, but you are really damaging yourself and your future by getting involved with those cold, meaningless relationships. You’ve probably kept what you are involved in secret from your friends (the people on AdultFriendFinder aren’t your friends) and family. A good hint is if it is something that you’re too embarrassed or ashamed about to even talk about it with your family. You really need to speak with someone to get some help, so you can have a future with a guy (not me… I’m writing you out of concern and that is all) that will respect you, take care of you, and love you. The more you are involved physically with other guys the more distant you will be from finding a “good” guy and being able to sustain a lasting relationship with him. It is easy to be sold on relationships with nothing more than physical involvement, but after it is over you are left with nothing on the emotional level except emptiness.

There will always be plenty of guys interested in being with you for one night, but if you don’t stop you’ll end up being in your 40s/50s alone and only with the experience of being with guys that only cared about you until they were done with you for the night and long gone. You are not garbage, and you cannot continue to let your dignity and respect continue to diminish because of ill contrived fantasies. And, even though you are saying you are “safe” when you get involved in these activities, you are not (especially when you are in contact with any bodily fluids). You are putting your health and safety in jeopardy every time you get together with any of those guys. Eventually, someone has to lose at Russian Roulette.

Even though you’re more than capable of finding one, if you want, I can suggest a therapist that you could speak with about all of this. I can tell by your writings that there is much more inside of emotionally than maybe even you realize. I know you’re an adult and can do whatever you choose to do (it’s your right). All I know is that if I had a friend that looked out for me when I was getting myself involved in a destructive situation, I would be very grateful that they were there for me when I didn’t know I needed them.

Sorry that I was intrusive, but I just got really concerned. If you want to reply, rant, ask me something, etc.; that is fine with me. Otherwise, I won’t be contacting you again. I hope everything for you turns out well.

-J

Ok, this is too long, but I’m still going to post what I wrote to him in response — I couldn’t help myself!

Dammit, my day is ruined and it’s only 8:30 a.m.

Here’s what I wrote back to him:

Who the fuck do you think you are?

I don’t know why you might have even thought for a second we might be compatible since my mentioning that I like to talk about sex freaked you out. A bit repressed, maybe? You should see a therapist if talking about sex — especially JUST in a sociological/scientific — makes you that uncomfortable. That’s really unhealthy.

I’m assuming you know what I’ve “been doing” from reading my blog on Adult FriendFinder. I *do* find it a little odd that someone so uncomfortable with the topic of sex would even be ON Adult FriendFinder… another indication that you’re conflicted about your sexuality?

These aren’t “cold, meaningless relationships” because they’re not “relationships.” Well, at least not any more so than the “relationship” I have with my accountant or my opthamologist. And, actually, you’re wrong about my keeping this a secret! LOL! Most of my friends know. My mother and my sister know. Though not *details* but only because they don’t *want* to know those — and I know that because they’ve told me. Same with my coworkers. How much do YOUR friends and family know about your sexual activities and fantasies, btw? Mine know that I go to a weekly BDSM munch (google it if you don’t know what that is.)

I guess you’re not aware of the fact that there are people out there VERY different from you. I won’t be able to find a guy who can respect and love me? First, who says that’s what I want? I have some fabulous women friends in their 60s and 70s who have never been married and are extraordinarily happy with their lives. I’m not saying you *can’t* be married and have that kind of happiness, but it’s absolutely not necessary. I also have an extremely close and tight-knit group of friends AND extended family. The only way I’d be “alone” in my 40s/50s is, I suppose, if some sort of plague wiped all of those people out and I was somehow miraculously spared. Anyway, second, there ARE guys who not only wouldn’t mind my past, but would find it a PLUS. I have the feeling you won’t believe that because YOU don’t feel that way and it’s unlikely you’ve spoken directly to people who have told you that they do feel that way. If you want to get an idea of the variety of people out there and the types of relationships that are possible, check out Alt.com, too. And, yes, I know people in HAPPY polyamorous relationships, also.

Even if I was a virgin, though, I would never EVER fall in love nor commit myself to the type of man who would hold that against me or against any woman.

You’re DAMNED right I’m not garbage! Which is why I’m so offended that you’re writing to me as if I were. Would you have this horrible opinion of me if I were a guy? Uhm, NO! I realize that everyone has their own prejudices but I think it’s useful to be aware of them. You’re sexist. Another thing you might want to talk to your therapist about.

As far as being “safe” — don’t be a complete idiot. The only “safe” sex is sex with yourself. And come to think of it, with some of those cheap vibrators and other toys out there, that comes with potential hazards, too. I suppose I could be more PC and say “safer” sex.

I’d love to know what “I can tell by your writings that there is much more inside of emotionally than maybe even you realize” means, btw.

I am so completely enraged at your audacity and judgementalness (is that a word?) I don’t even know how to express it. I think I’m most upset by the fact that you just ASSUME that I even WANT to find “the one.” That all I would ever want in this world above ALL else, including physical pleasure would be “a guy that will respect you, take care of you, and love you.” TAKE CARE OF ME? What century IS this? Uhm, thanks, I can do that myself.

Oh yeah, I wanted to ask, how exactly being “physical” with other guys would keep me from being able to “sustain a lasting relationship”? What’s the connection?

I really am interested in your response to all of this. Unlike you, I’m actually interested in how people other than me think. And please include a photo. That’s only fair considering you’ve seen MORE than enough of me, don’t you think? (If I was so *ashamed* of what I’ve been doing, why would I have my photo out there???)

(and I signed my first name to the bottom).

I had a “poll” post on AFF as follows (with the number of votes as of July 3, 2006 11:30 p.m. for each option):

TMI?
Yesterday I was part of a gang-bang. Wanna know more?

YES! Gimmee details! (76)
Ok, I’m curious, but just the basics, please. (12)
ALL I want to know is how many guys were involved. (0)
You’ve already given enough information, thanks. (4)
Ewwww!!!! Gross!! No! (2)

That was posted at 7:32 p.m . on July 2nd.

Here’s tonight’s post –

Actually, I was planning on just posting whatever it was that came out of my brain through my fingers. I didn’t know if it would be detailed or not. Or, even what qualifies as “detailed.” I really just wanted to tell someone (uh… lots of someones) about what had happened, but was too lazy to write a full fledged post about it quite yet.

Disclaimer: Some details have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent.

For those who wanted the bare bones version: Nine (I think… I’m not sure) men and me. Hotel suite. Yes, condoms used for vaginal and anal protection. Generous use of lube. Extraordinarily nice, above average in looks, respectful, and gracious group of men who do this semi-regularly. I had a blast! (heehee, I crack myself up… that will make more sense if you read the detailed version.)

Detailed version:

I was guided into the room naked with my hands loosely bound behind my back, not blindfolded but unable to see clearly — no contacts and no glasses.

I was pushed, gently to my knees and there was a cock in front of my face waiting for me to suck it. I did, greedily, and then was offered another and another and another… There were nine men in attendance (I think), but I don’t know how many cocks I sucked in succession. I think I gave some handjobs at the same time…. or maybe that was later.

I had had a few drinks before the main event started, but I was completely aware of what was happening when it was happening. Remembering it, though… I’m not sure what happened when. Or how. Or how many times. Or simultaneously or separately.

The cuffs on my wrists were released. I was on my hands and knees with a cock in my mouth and another fucking me from behind.

For quite a long time I was riding on one man, giving blowjobs to a series of different men, and different men — 3, I think — fucked me in the ass. All three holes filled at once. The man beneath me joked that he was getting the best deal since he was getting to be inside me for the longest continuous amount of time.

Occasionally flashes from cameras went off. The one who had arranged this for me gave directions, sometimes followed, sometimes not. He demonstrated how I like to be fucked hard and handled roughly, but the others treated me much more gently. Maybe it was the shy and young librarian personality — which wasn’t an act. That IS how I act, especially around strangers. Their “dirty” talk was perfect — I remember in particular one guy saying that I was such a cute, pretty little cumslut. What a contrast in words. It was absolutely perfect.

Then the finale. My open mouth was filled with cum. One cock after another depositing a load. I can’t swear that the participants followed instructions, but they were asked to refrain from ejaculating for four days prior to that evening. Heavy loads for me to collect. And swirl with my tongue. And gargle. Which made me laugh and smile. And when the last of the cum filled my mouth, I swallowed it down.

Everything is on film. Or, digitally recorded anyway. But, “on film” sounds better. THAT really turned me on. Knowing it was all being captured for later visual retrieval.

Someone gave me Altoid Sours afterward which I immediately spit out with a “Yuck! Those are disgusting!” I guess having just swallowed a mouthful of cum made that seem like a very funny comment.

Someone had brought a DVD of another recent gangbang this group of men had participated in and they started playing it. Everyone standing around naked or half-dressed and having a great time. Slowly the men were leaving, but I didn’t entirely notice because I once more had three cocks near my face. Honestly, I’m not sure what happened then. I was fucked and fed more cum. I was tired.

I ended the night curled up spooning with one of the men. The one who had arranged all of this.

I wouldn’t say it was one of the most erotic or sexually exciting experience I’ve had, but it was one of the most fun and the most thrilling. It *is* something I’d like to try again. Especially with the same group of guys… my 2nd date rule is currently ONLY for guys from Adult FriendFinder. These guys were from elsewhere. What I’d really like is to try this again while bound. And I’d reassure these guys that I really DO like a bit more rough handling.

I received a few digital snapshots of events today. I got more turned on seeing those and thinking back on the experience than I did during the actual event. I suspected that would happen. That’s not a complaint at all, btw. Memories last a long time and I can’t wait to see the DVD.

I really need to get into better shape, too. I DID have a bit of trouble walking the next day, but much more today!